And, that’s how the cookie crumbled.
And, that’s how the cookie crumbled.
There are times where I will be a nagging irritation, a constant reminder of how you are failing to please me, to appease me, to pamper and protect me. There are times where I will be a dull ache in your behind that wouldn’t allow you to sit in peace. I will also be a profoundly non-understanding person when it comes to being busy. To top it off, I will also be an annoying prick when I don’t get what I want, from you.
At the same time, I will ask you to bear with me and accept all of this, because there will be times I will only focus on you and love you and care for you, and no one else. There will be a time, in my life and in yours, when you will be the centre of my focus. Yes; the centre of a focus, of my focus, that’s possible.
Everyone important is a part of the focus. Every focus has a fringe and a centre. I will place you at the helm of my all, at the peak of my attention and at the deepest point of my gravity.
So, if you can deal with that importance, you must bare with me, for there will be times when I will refuse logic, and by refuse, I mean totally deny its existence as a word and as a phenomenon. And, there will be plenty of such times, believe you me.
If you are ready..
Come. Let’s dive?
Don’t you just detest it when a perfectly brilliant song is ruined because some jack-ass halfway around the globe decided to make a memory with you precisely when that song was playing and then BAM! three months later he isn’t there and the perfectly brilliant song is pooped. Yknow, there are categories of songs- the mediocre, the good and then, there are the brilliant.
The mediocre are the ones which find their way into your playlist because
– someone gave them to you via bluetooth
-a dude shared his playlist with you to get you to listen to grunge rock
-a break up
-really sad sitcoms which make you think ‘wow that song is brilliant’ and then you download it and listen to it on repeat for 567 hours and then, by the end of it you are ready to puke.
-initially a brilliant track which slips to the mediocre because of *surprise surprise* the MEMORIES.
The good ones are good primarily because they are cult classics, I mean, Pink Floyd will never become mediocre because a d-bag decided to ruin it for you. NO! You always come back to life after Pink Floyd, literally. And then is John Mayer and Coldplay and ABBA (and ronan keating). And Death Cab For Cutie (at least some of their songs. I don’t know why they decided to sing for Twilight- the Meet me on the equinox). Some songs never die. I mean, yeah whatever some guy might ruin one or two of those ‘classic’ songs but forgive them. They know not what it means to dance to ‘I will follow you into the dark’. Word of advice, limit these classics to those you know will NOT let you down. Ever. EVER. Like best friends or parents or children. That way, no one can ruin good songs for you. 🙂
^that is a really cute rendition of I Have A Dream, ABBA. Watch it :’)
Then come the brilliant ones. These are comprised mainly by The biggies themselves, each of us have our personal favourites and I wont name mine but you would which songs figure in your list of brilliant, wouldn’t you? The ones which you always listen to, anytime all the time. Like I could listen to Fix You for-evvvver and never get tired of it and I would not let anyone ruin that song for me. No one is allowed to dedicate it to me. No one is allowed to expect it from me. This is MY song. and will remain so because it is too precious for me. The words are too personal. If this song is dedicated to me by someone I love and then he breaks my heart (or whatever) then these very words will prick me and make me bleed. So I wont let anyone burst my bubble. And if you really love me, you wont dedicate this to me.
You could, however, dedicate a ‘Baara maheene mein baara tareeko se’ to me because that song is already hopeless. It means all that you want a love song to and then too it doesn’t stand a chance of getting ruined with a memory because the song already is at the lowest level of music. Seriously. LOWEST.
^Don’t watch this if you aren’t ‘READY’
Now, it isn’t just sad memories that attach themselves to songs. there are songs to which you have joys and birthdays related to. There are songs which make you smile no matter what. there are those songs to which you danced on your first night stay or the song you sang to your BFF after the epic fight or a song you dedicated to your mom on mother’s day. Some songs become good from the mediocre scale because of the memories so never underestimate those underdogs, you!
^Like this one, that I’d love to sing- fights or no fights, we are stuck with each other Pie. Oh, Happy Birthday! 😀
But getting back to the sad stuff (because sad things always appeal more, sadists we are),
I missed out one more category of songs. they are the happy songs which mean nothing. Or sad ones, the blues, which say absolutely nothing to you. Yknow, the kind to which you were introduced to because someone dedicated them to you. The conversation goes like:
Random person who knows you- ‘Hey, this is a nice song and I, in my right senses dedicate this absolutely nonchalant piece of music to you!’
You- ‘Oh, alright gracious man/woman/person, I shall listen to it right away’
And then you and that person become really good friends, lovers, pals, siblings, online facebook open relationship partners, whatever, and slowly you drift away BUT the song still remains on your iPod/Walkman/Really awesome phone like SGIII. And while you’re on a long journey the song begins to play and you remember that friendship (or affair) and just…smile. No bitterness, no joy either but just a memory that does not affect your emotion.
Like, right now, I am listening to ‘Addicted’ by Enrique. No, don’t judge me it is a really nice song okay, whatever. And this song has become rotten by all the so-called dedication but still it has managed to remain on my playlist and I have no memory associated with it whatsoever. None!
So, lesson to be learnt is just one:
Nothing fixes a thing so intensely in the memory as the wish to forget it.
Don’t fight the memories and don’t fight the world from making them for you. If some guy, in his mushy weakness dedicates ‘Perfect two’ by Auburn to you, just smile and listen to the song. And then, remember the song. Memories are a part of life. We wouldn’t stay up at night if it wasnt for those wretched memories and future-planning. Happy or sad, songs and memories are intricate and you can’t argue over the fact that a little bit of heartache makes the songs even more beautiful, ’cause lets face it- even though you categorise them as mediocre because of the sourness attached to them, they are still there on your playlist, aren’t they?
Let life play itself out. 🙂
A final treat for you-
17th June, 2012 was Father’s Day. Yes, I wished my father but then that was it. We talked a little this and little that, nothing more or nothing less. I’m not very close to him and I don’t know whose fault it is or whom to blame. So, I’ll just blame the Indian Army! Haha, no I’m just kidding. And tomorrow’s my mother’s birthday. To be precise, by the time this post will be up it should be ‘today’ instead of tomorrow.
Last year, Father’s day and my mother’s birthday were on the same day. I had to take a very calculated and diplomatic call as to what to wish first and whom. You should know how much of pressure I had toendure. While my mum is cool and doesn’t bother about the petty nitty-gritties, she tends to remember the details if they hit her heart a tad bit off-chord. On the other hand, my dad likes to the centre of attention at the times he thinks are his moments; much like me (the only difference being, I like being the centre of everything, irrespective of whether I deserve it or not). Anyway, so I wished my mum first and then quickly wished my dad, standing beside her. The trick was, to wait for him to wish her first and then I went Oh! happy birthday mamma AND happy father’s day. I probably shouldnt be putting this up on my blog cause one out of the two parents reads this regularly, but what the hell, eh? My blog, my rules 😛
Anyway, so my mother’s turning a year wiser to-daaay. She read my blog about a month back, for the first time and she had some kind words to say on my Facebook page and here’s what she had to say:
Happy birthday Mamma. I know, this year I don’t have any of the hand-made cards that I have given to you over the years. I know, that I don’t even have any cake or gift. (I’m beginning to feel unhappy) I don’t even have my presence to offer to you, thanks to it being a Monday and people working on Mondays.
#note to self: change Mondays to holidays once world leadership is guaranteed for self.
Mamma, you are the one static thing in my world, which is changing so much and so fast ever since school ended. I know that I am annoyingly irritating and lazy at times..most of the times..I hope you know that I don’t do any of it knowingly. It somehow, just, happens. I suddenly become a laid back sack of wheat in when I am with you. You take charge so effortlessly, of situations, of events, of packing, of food, of life as a whole. I don’t know what I will do without you, you know, when the whole growing-up-is-necesssary bit comes in to play. More than not knowing, I am scared. Scared of screwing things up so bad that even you can’t repair them back to what it used to be like. You have made life easy, not only for me but also for Baba. You have made everything smooth. Without your meticulously planned schedules and vacations, the two of us would surely have been floundering about hopelessly.
Mamma, everything I say and do is not enough to explain how much I love you and how much I wish to make you and Baba proud. I work hard, just so that I can be like the two of you. Whatever issues Dad and I have, I hand it to him for being involved the top institutions of the country- Don Bosco (mumbai), St. Xavier’s, NDA, IMA, IIM-A, IIM-C. Woah! Anyone who sees that list will fall off the chair. And you, Mamma? You’re an angel and I have the backing of the innumerable lives you touch every single day at school…
You, Mrs. Bhattacharya are the best teacher in world, in the true sense of the word to me. Because, you’ve not just taught me the most difficult subject in the world, but also shared it with me- living. I might crib about how much you ‘interfere’ and nag me about studies and it is only because I am a hormone driven nut, who mistakes your care for something else. And you, be the ever so calm Mommy and understand all my harsh words and embrace every fault. Zyada english ho gaya?
What I mean to say is, I owe my success to you and your ways. Every time I feel I am swaying away from what YOU think is best for me, I mend my ways. The results in class 12, the university rank in college, the reason that majority of the people like me- ALL BECAUSE OF YOU and how YOU taught me to go about things.
You have never told me what to do or how, only given me an opinion about the other options. Never have you told me not say what I feel because I might be rude. you’ve let me say what I feel and how and then have fiercely protected me when the world turns against me because you know I was right. You believed in me when most looked away, not once but repeatedly. You are the one pillar of strength in my life. The ONE.
I love you.
And I always will.
-yours forever, tangled and messed up. You always loved untangling things :*
I have exams from Tuesday. And right now, this is what is going through my mind:
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! THE WRETCHED THING IS BACK AGAIN!
And as super as my college is, I don’t know when they will exactly end. Can you believe it? I mean, the first and probably only thing we do during exams is count our days till it’s done and over with. But no, my college will not grant me that luxury. Anyway, I am hoping to get done in a week or so.
Although people have told me that Avengers Assemble is hyped, I haven’t YET gotten to watch it so can’t wait for that. Hopefully, I’ll get to watch it with someone other than my usual ‘chalo movie chale‘ people. So yay.
And oh! I’ve had a very, very refreshing last two days. Went all deep and diving into some really basic things about myself. have to thank Sneha (sorry for using the noun, but the alternative was Sofia, which is how your name pops up on t9 but I had a feeling that you’d prefer the original :P). Anyway, Sneha.. you’ve meant a lot to me and still do and always will. I have no clue whatsoever about why we became friends but that’s besides the point. The point is, I’m glad I have you in my life to slap me out of my Barbie dreams so that I can weave better ones. The way you know me, is eerie. Are you this way with everyone? Because if you are, I wonder how people live around you! Most of us live under the garb of pretence and we have ‘layers’ as you had mentioned the last time we spoke. We all have these layers but you, missy, slice right through them these days. And some of the advice that you’ve given me is the best advice I’ve received.
Talking to you is releasing, relieving. I can’t write a lot about people I like because I just start blabbering after a point. And I’ve reached that point right about now so I should shush.
So, I love you in as many ways as possible- untouched, pristine, always, straight, gay, bi..you get the drift.
Till where can you stretch? No, I do not mean ‘stretch’ in the true sense of the word like elasti-girl stretch..because that would just be perverted and cheap!
By ‘stretch I mean- what is your limit? Have you set any standards or are you floundering about this big beautiful world till you get to a point in life where you can look at yourself and say ‘Eh, not bad’? Are you okay with being dependent on people around you? Even if those people are your closest, truest buddies, would you pile on to them for every little thing in your life or would you rather open a dictionary to look up the word P-R-I-D-E?
God, Almighty, Allah; whatever name, has given you two arms, a pair of feet, a head with a brain in it and a heart. Use that heart to get yourself to feel something. I’m going to hint at: ego. Yes, everybody says that an ego is a terrible thing to have. And we all know one fact (thanks to House MD): Everybody Lies. To me, Ego is nothing but Self Respect. Weigh things out proportionately and nothing in life is bad. Jealousy is good too, it’ll make you perform better if you know what I mean 😉
Anyway, I digressed.
Ego. Ego is good. Ego is necessary. Without an ego, you don’t really know who you are or where you draw the line for someone. For instance, how much would you let a friend support you? Yes, I said friend. Omg, now don’t jump up and say ‘But he is a friend so he is SUPPOSED to help me out’ or ‘She is a sister, more than a friend, she loves me’. Trust me, after a point, you need to frikkin’ stand up on your two feet and look down at the world with contempt. Contempt because, the world gave you a friend who halts your growth. If you have no one, then you have noone to either push you up..or pull you down. Friends are great to share, enjoy, vent, bla bla bla. But when a friend becomes a means to get what you otherwise wouldnt be able to get on your own, then you must rethink your so called friendship. Yeah, friends become family after a point but they can never replace your family.
A few days back, this friend of mine was telling me how lucky she is to have been able to live with a family which she got to choose and a family which so SO loving and so much cooler than most others. That she ‘got’ to choose to live with them and that she’s one of the lucky few. I’ll tell you one thing; my family is not perfect by any means.. I mean i could find a trillion things that I’d love to change, alter, add, do away with but never, in my wildest dreams, would I choose some other family over mine. It maybe broken but it is MINE and I will guard its integrity till life leaves me.
Draw a line. Live above it.
Respect yourself. Respect what your family has (or hasn’t) provided you with. Fill in those blanks that stare gapingly at you. Get off your sweet ass and do something about it instead of leaning on people. You have a spine, use it and stand straight.
One day, the world will know you for who you are and not for who you were with.
I have been busy. I am in second year of college, studying Dental Surgery (bachelors degree) in a godforsaken college which is run by the Governmant of West Bengal… Oops! Paschimbanga. Everybody say that the 2nd year is apparently the most difficult year of the course and that i should study
more all day. I don’t see that happening really. Whatever the pressure is, however much I need to slog- I just cannot manage to put my sweet ass on that chair for as long as I’m expected to. While studing today, I wrote the following:
I wish I could spend a day or two
Visiting the ruins and Paris with you.
I’d rest my head on you chest
And lie beneath a starless sky.
The crescent moon shining alone
While you and I ride back home
The empty highway and silent rain
My hands on you, your cheek against mine.
And in the dim light of your room
We’d make love and laugh together
Sweat soaked sheets clinging to us
The waxed candles flicker in the wind.
I look at you, you stroke my hair
Caress my hips and I know you care
There’s a storm, can you see it come?
It’ll destroy you, it would demolish me.
Love me, I tell you and you oblige
I reach my peak and the storm goes wild.
The wind reigns mighty, the air is tensed
Will it begin only to end again?
Feelings overwhelm me with an aching heart
You acknowledge it and embrace me
While we fall into the well of passion.
Oblivious to the destruction it will cause
Not knowing where the lightening has struck.
Love me blind, do not think
Love me crazy, do not wait
Feel me breathe and feel me want
Rain on me with torrential love
Pour me down with yourself.
Let this storm never subside
Let the calm never return.
Everyone has dreams. Everyone wants to live those dreams out. But very few count-on-your-fingers-amount have actually done it. How many people are you aware of, who followed their dreams; went against their families (though not necessarily) and then lived the life they WANTED to?
They are your dreams.
Dont talk out loud about them. Dont discuss them day in and day out with anyone. No, not even with your closest friend.
Learn to protect your dreams. They are yours. Totally, completely, utterly yours to fulfil. And you have the power to shape them, to design them and to make build the path that’ll lead you to them. So protect them.
This world is nasty. Everyone hates. People are spiteful and envious.
They will envy you, for your dream is unique.
They will despise you in their hearts, for they couldn’t dare to dream
They will never do it to your face, which makes it worse.
Don’t share your dream. Protect it like you’d protect a candle’s flame on a stormy night.
Anyway, what I’m trying to say is, build a wall and make a bubble for your dreams. Then, wake up and achieve them.
Don’t let anyone come in between you and that ONE dream that makes
you stay up at night. If your mind wants it badly enough then you heart
will find a way to make it happen. Don’t let anything hinder you.
Every problem you encounter and obstacle you cross over will only make the dream more elusive, more attractive and worth its while. All those people who never believed in your dreams should propel you closer and closer to what YOU believe in- and you believe that it.is.possible.
Make everyday a step towards that goal. Do something that makes you proud. Move closer to that dream every.single.day. Don’t just exist. Be the dream you want.
Believe. And one day it will be yours.
-to achieving. Cheers!
p.s- The Better Man Projects – this blog made me (read: inspired me to) write this post. Evan Sanders, thank you 🙂
Musings on poetry, language, perception, numbers, food, and anything else that slips through the cracks.