Do you believe in soul mates? Do you really think that you are actually an incomplete, the half of a whole, and that there is a part of your jigsaw that you aren’t even aware is missing? Is it true that we are all made of stardust? I’d like to believe that is true, to be honest. It is a surreal thing to believe in; to have the knowledge, albeit false, that there is something celestial about every breath you take (…every move you make!)
My idea of a perfect evening is a simple picnic basket with beer and sandwiches, good music, a blanket and a car that’s parked on a field after having taken us far away from the city lights and into a world that has more than a few constellation of stars sprinkled all over. Us. Just two of us would be happy in our evening and we would spend it gazing at the magnificent vastness of the sky; talking about how lovely the cupcakes from the bakery we went to last week were, while the breeze carries the sweet smell of tuberoses from a distance. We would trace the wrinkles around each other’s eyes while we laugh at the cat video we had seen earlier that day. We would talk about childhood and reveal our secret places while playing hide and seek in the summer of 2004, and he’d know exactly which place of the terrace I am talking about and I would know exactly where he would take me. We would talk about the future, about pizza and vacations, not in that particular order, while holding hands and counting stars. The metal roof of our car would be as warm as our bodies, and our heads would be bent over backwards while I try to show him the ‘elephant on a scooter’ I could clearly make out in the stars to the East. He would patiently trace my fingers to the exact spot and still be clueless, yet he’d agree and be as excited as I was. That is how he is; the kind of person who would peel an orange for me, because he knows how much I love oranges but hate peeling them; he’s the kind of person who would drag me out of the house to watch the concert of a band I love because he knows how lazy I can get. We would eat a sandwich as a celebration of how we are really made for this weather and the moment that we are in. Just that. We wouldn’t celebrate how perfect we are for each other because that wouldn’t be an honest celebration, but we would lay in that moment and be engulfed in how the stars had aligned to draw us toward each other… Like moth to flame.
This is going to be a regular whiny girl post where I claim to be alone and happy, yet incomplete.
I’ve been dating since the end of ninth grade (yes, parents, chill). On and off. Someone has always been there even if I didn’t want someone 😛
And after a point it got to a point of no return. Men became expendable and ever-available and soon came a wave of superiority complex.
That done with, and having attained a sense adulthood, and I say sense because I haven’t yet started practicing it (adulthood), I decided to take a break off of everything I knew and everyone I knew. I shed people like second skin and felt lighter. I felt free and I could finally be awkward and clumsy and have morals that were stupid and not get judged by a constant pressure of living up to a standard I had so meticulously created.
I wasn’t a myth anymore. I could say that Hitler was a genius who went drastically wrong and not feel as if the world would crash down on me. I had let go off people who wouldn’t be constantly on their toes to pull me down towards them. I decided to forgive those I fought with and truly bless their hearts. I decided to let it all in while I let it all out. It started with college but slowly extended to the periphery where the most important people were.
The important ones, I figured would always stick. That didn’t happen haha. Some left. No, let me rephrase: one left.
Long story short, a boy and a girl can never be friends without one getting hurt. And given my prior self satisfying tryst with lonliness, I was okay with the decision. Everybody needs space to breathe so I’ve given him his. 6 years of friendship, deserves that.
Which finally brings me to what I have to say now. I want to share my breathing space. I’ve had the group I’ve always had, since high school and nothing would ever change that. I’ve gained a very special friend in a fellow blogger who meets me in malls and my gardeny complex and writes me letters on crisp white sheets neatly tucked into mustard envelopes. I’ve got as many friends as I need and I’m lucky I can count on both hands cause I need that skill. (Those who know me, will vouch for the fact that math isn’t my forte and hence, the counting on both hands is a skill. Kthanks)
Now, after more than a year and half of self building and repeating a single sentence: I need to focus on my career, studies and self… I am finally ready to get back to being ‘with someone’. Not as a friend but romantically, for a change. I haven’t been in a relationship where the person is physically in the same city ever- since school, and that sucks. I haven’t had pop corn while watching a movie at home, tucked under the duvet with someone quietly cursing me for my choice of movies. I haven’t fought while being convinced (erronously) of how right I am. I haven’t said “we” in a long time. I haven’t written with my heart out on my sleeve. I haven’t got a gift which made my mother question the blood supply in my cheeks. What I gained is irreplaceable, I gained myself back. I had given so much over time to people that I was drained. I’ve helped a lot of people over time..small ways and big. And now, I’m ready to give again… In a few months (my year of self improvement ends this September). I’m ready to be taken in, I think. Am I?
I want someone to help me. And we’ll help each other. Then again, is asking a sign of weakness?
Some questions cannot be answered in a year. : )
I am listening to some really bad music by A.R Rehman and I realised that grand romantic gestures happen only in the movies. Do boyfriends really fly down from half the way around the globe to meet the one they love? Do roses really look more red onscreen? Are there really no cheaper gifts than diamonds? Do normal girls meet their prince in a Rolls Royce only in gossip girl? Or is there some semblance of reality in what they show on the silver screen?
I would like a grand romantic gesture, if someone decided I am worth the effort (and let’s face it, money). Yknow, the kind where I am sent bouquets after bouquets merely because I am unwell. Or the occasional diamond (haha). Okay no seriously, how many of us really end up getting the fairytale romantic gestures? It isn’t fair, how the movies glorify love. To us, girls, love is like a dream sequence where the boy would propose in a game of Scrabble and we would see hearts on the coffee foam. It is surreal, the way we imagine love, in the true sense of the word.
Do the horse-coach pick ups and limousine drop offs only happpen in books and stories? Why haven’t I seen a candle light dinner yet, one that is actually planned so and not forced by CESC? I want to simply know if the ‘hands to your cheeks surprised’ expression that the female brightens the screen with, is genuine or make belief. All I want is one dance I the rain. All I’d like is one valentine gift. All I want is one sunrise together and maybe a sunset too. All I want is youuuuuu. Okay that was U2 speaking.
Knight in shining armour, prove to me that you exist and give me my grand romance. Just once, cause post that it would just be an overdose.
– waiting for the star to fall.
This is going to short and crisp.
You deserve to be told you’re loved. I am. And I’ve been told so. Right now, 18th October ’12. AND I AM SO FRIKKIN’ HAPPY, it isn’t even funny!
I don’t know where this is headed. I don’t know how or why or even since when and the ambiguity is what makes it all the more enchanting. For once, I am happy in not knowing and just taking each day as it comes and each phase as it passes. I’ve been through squabbles as siblings to sobbing like children and giggling like a girl who’s smitten. I’ve breezed through mush and written poems and even fought like I mean it. And I am still happy, which is like a life time achievement.
I’m in the top of the world la la la laaa.
P.s- photo courtesy thebettermanprojects.
-stay loved and entangle with some one 😛