Foetal wax.

There is so much potential within us. When we are all 2-4-8-16 celled, deep within the womb, we can divide and differentiate into so many things, so many different people. Grow a limb here, grow some hair their, oops! look I grew a liver and a heart, And then we grow a brain with its neurons and all the intricacies of being human. 
In class today, my professor pointed out how some of the histological sections we look at (in our books, of course) . Apparently, the foetal cells are dipped in some sort of wax to stop the growth and then, cross sections are made. Thus, the name of this post Foetal Wax.

When we were tiny, and by tiny I mean a few cells old, we had our entire life in front of us. We could be good people or we could be wolves (which some men did turn out to be, but I digress). Hell, we could even be the girl who knew 15 languages in her head but was deaf and dumb so the world could never know of her talent.

But then, we divided.. and multiplied, and while the cells rapidly grew in number; we kept becoming more complex as creatures. Complex in ways that are more twisted than biology. We began dreaming and then we had to face the pain of that lost dream. You must have realised, more often than not, we try to go back to sleep to finish a dream and we try to pretend so hard, that the world we have for those few measly minutes could in fact, be the world we actually live, bleed and perspire in. Then the zygote becomes a baby, with a brain that functions as fittingly as a ticking time bomb, and we begin to rationalise… ‘No, I can not dance, I have two feet”, “No, that can not be love, he is a gentleman”, “No, I am a horrible person, I let her live”.

We slowly, yet persistently lose hope in what surrounds us. We begin thinking. We start forming logical thoughts which ultimately lead us to a very crisp reality, which let us face it, is not very pretty most of the times. Even when viewed through tinted glass, the world does tend to let us down at times (er, most of the times?) Right now, you have dreams which you despartately want to fulfil but if we rewind 15 years back, you had more dreams; and more colourful ones at that. No one told me that you that could not become a professinal dancer, no one said that you don’t have it you…you brought that upon yourself. YOU rationalised. “This makes more sense, become a Lawyer.” I’m sure all of you had dreams. I once wanted to go into research- genetic engineering, but I took the apparently easier available option and kept writing, photography and everything else as a ‘hobby’. How I hate hobbies- oh beta, you need a degree, what will you feed your kids, photography can always be a hobby. oh beta, you need to be a engineer, or else who will marry you? blah blah.

As cells, we have immense potential. As cells, the world is our canvas. As cells, we are merely a human being in-the-making, but the neurons and the logics that I spoke of earlier, make us who we are right now, in this very moment. We are born optimists and therefore are innately positive, but the repeated the break-downs, heart-aches and failures thicken us. As my professor stated, keratinisation. We become a pale afterglow of what we could have been. The could-be and the should-be, life kinda revolves around all that, eh?

I hope this helped you reminisce. I hope you dig out the dusty bag with all your paint brushes and do something with it, or maybe, find a new self? I hope you can be the cell you once were and the person you could have been.

to end on a lighter note, Image

Memoirs of a Memory with a Song.

Don’t you just detest it when a perfectly brilliant song is ruined because some jack-ass halfway around the globe decided to make a memory with you precisely when that song was playing and then BAM! three months later he isn’t there and the perfectly brilliant song is pooped. Yknow, there are categories of songs- the mediocre, the good and then, there are the brilliant.

The mediocre are the ones which find their way into your playlist because
– someone gave them to you via bluetooth
-a dude shared his playlist with you to get you to listen to grunge rock
-a break up
-PMS
-by mistake
-really sad sitcoms which make you think ‘wow that song is brilliant’ and then you download it and listen to it on repeat for 567 hours and then, by the end of it you are ready to puke.
-initially a brilliant track which slips to the mediocre because of *surprise surprise* the MEMORIES.

The good ones are good primarily because they are cult classics, I mean, Pink Floyd will never become mediocre because a d-bag decided to ruin it for you. NO! You always come back to life after Pink Floyd, literally. And then is John Mayer and Coldplay and ABBA (and ronan keating). And Death Cab For Cutie (at least some of their songs. I don’t know why they decided to sing for Twilight- the Meet me on the equinox). Some songs never die. I mean, yeah whatever some guy might ruin one or two of those ‘classic’ songs but forgive them. They know not what it means to dance to ‘I will follow you into the dark’. Word of advice, limit these classics to those you know will NOT let you down. Ever. EVER. Like best friends or parents or children. That way, no one can ruin good songs for you. 🙂

^that is a really cute rendition of I Have A Dream, ABBA. Watch it :’)

Then come the brilliant ones. These are comprised mainly by The biggies themselves, each of us have our personal favourites and I wont name mine but you would which songs figure in your list of brilliant, wouldn’t you? The ones which you always listen to, anytime all the time. Like I could listen to Fix You for-evvvver and never get tired of it and I would not let anyone ruin that song for me. No one is allowed to dedicate it to me. No one is allowed to expect it from me. This is MY song. and will remain so because it is too precious for me. The words are too personal. If this song is dedicated to me by someone I love and then he breaks my heart (or whatever) then these very words will prick me and make me bleed. So I wont let anyone burst my bubble. And if you really love me, you wont dedicate this to me.
You could, however, dedicate a ‘Baara maheene mein baara tareeko se’ to me because that song is already hopeless. It means all that you want a love song to and then too it doesn’t stand a chance of getting ruined with a memory because the song already is at the lowest level of music. Seriously. LOWEST.

^Don’t watch this if you aren’t ‘READY’

Now, it isn’t just sad memories that attach themselves to songs. there are songs to which you have joys and birthdays related to. There are songs which make you smile no matter what. there are those songs to which you danced on your first night stay or the song you sang to your BFF after the epic fight or a song you dedicated to your mom on mother’s day. Some songs become good from the mediocre scale because of the memories so never underestimate those underdogs, you!

^Like this one, that I’d love to sing- fights or no fights, we are stuck with each other Pie. Oh, Happy Birthday! 😀

But getting back to the sad stuff (because sad things always appeal more, sadists we are),
I missed out one more category of songs. they are the happy songs which mean nothing. Or sad ones, the blues, which say absolutely nothing to you. Yknow, the kind to which you were introduced to because someone dedicated them to you. The conversation goes like:
Random person who knows you- ‘Hey, this is a nice song and I, in my right senses dedicate this absolutely nonchalant piece of music to you!’
You- ‘Oh, alright gracious man/woman/person, I shall listen to it right away’
And then you and that person become really good friends, lovers, pals, siblings, online facebook open relationship partners, whatever, and slowly you drift away BUT the song still remains on your iPod/Walkman/Really awesome phone like SGIII. And while you’re on a long journey the song begins to play and you remember that friendship (or affair) and just…smile. No bitterness, no joy either but just a memory that does not affect your emotion.
Like, right now, I am listening to ‘Addicted’ by Enrique. No, don’t judge me it is a really nice song okay, whatever. And  this song has become rotten by all the so-called dedication but still it has managed to remain on my playlist and I have no memory associated with it whatsoever. None!

So, lesson to be learnt is just one:

Nothing fixes a thing so intensely in the memory as the wish to forget it.

Don’t fight the memories and don’t fight the world from making them for you. If some guy, in his mushy weakness dedicates ‘Perfect two’ by Auburn to you, just smile and listen to the song. And then, remember the song. Memories are a part of life. We wouldn’t stay up at night if it wasnt for those wretched memories and future-planning. Happy or sad, songs and memories are intricate and you can’t argue over the fact that a little bit of heartache makes the songs even more beautiful, ’cause lets face it- even though you categorise them as mediocre because of the sourness attached to them, they are still there on your playlist, aren’t they?

Let life play itself out. 🙂

A final treat for you-

-entangle.

Dig boy, dig!

image

Don't doubt yourself. Just change to grow.

I’ve often seen myself to crouch in like tortoise when I face strong people. I don’t mean people who are physically strong..it is the mind that I fear.
Such people are not found everywhere. One needs to dig into the world and run in circles which present these people. They aren’t born this way, circumstances have made them strong both mentally and spiritually. They know what they want and they know exactly who they are. They know black from white, right from wrong and past from present. They know all this because they have seen the greys and uncorrected truth.

Uncorrected truth. Can truth really be corrected? Is it not supposed to be unadulterated? But what of we add on to the truth..not correcting it but simply adding to it? Does it change the truth or merely add another layer to it?
In our country, a female is worshipped in the form of goddesses and the same female is made to serve tea and massage her husbands dirty feet. Which truth am I to believe? Both of them are equally true and stark, at that. If I change the latter it would still remain the truth? But with a change does it remain the same truth or is it a new truth that I have formed by the alteration? If I do change the latter, in a hypothetical utopic world (sadly) it would be eradicated, and then what would remain of the truth that used to exist?

This is just one example. And with so many truths and so many variations of one truth, what am I supposed to believe and how am I to decide? Who tells me if my choice is the right choice? Who decides which is the right choice?

I am faced with options and I am exposed to media which burst out opinions and views and temperaments at me day in and day out. The people..the strong people that I was talking about initially have also made their choices from these very sources and from life. How am I supposed to form my view about an event that hasn’t occured with me yet? How should I decide if I am a feminist, or let’s say a theist or an athiest?

I have my set of beliefs which are constantly questioned and ground and refined and battered and bruised. I am questioned and bombarded with how I am to believe in someone else’s belief. Everyone guards their set of views so closely and so strictly. I am correct and you should listen to me as well. I have worked hard to develop these beliefs..this truth..
Should I listen to them? I want to make my own truth but I am not sure where to begin. Do I like the colour pink? Do I want the world to be under dictatorship? Does god exist? The kind of people I fear do not have any indifference towards anything. They have a view about everything. Open to change, but rarely do they change. They have an answer for everything. They have an opinion.

I want to be able to make a point and stand by it but I often lack the confidence to hold my own. Yes most of you will feel that I already have a strong character but that is because you yourself are as confused as I am..I can defend myself before you. And you believe my truth as easily as you would believe theirs.
But I make, in front of them, desparate attempts at hiding my naive attempts to formulate a truth system for myself.

Let me state the example of how I formed one of my beliefs. There is a God. I made my theorem about the existence of God from an interesting class that I attended. Started believing in the existence of God once I learnt how amazingly intricate yet astonishingly similar each and every human body is. Every bone and every detail is similar in each of us and yet we are all different. Every chemical physical and biological change or reaction the happens in and around us is proof of the existence of God. Science, he most vehiment opposed of God is ironically, the only proof of Its presence. I believe. (I have the entire write up which shall be posted later)

But such life altering experiences are rare and happen at times which are least expected. Should I wait for an event to occur and wait for the formation of beliefs or should I make mine on the basis or the few experiences that I have already have and hold on to an opinion that may or may not be entirely correct?

This brings me to an opinion being correct and incorrect. Yes. Every aspect of life has a correct and incorrect..but your opinion is yours. It may or may not be correct. You may or may not decide to change it once you learn the difference and are enlightened about it.
Strong people scare me. They are so obstinate about their views and opinions that even after knowing what IS correct they choose to rebel and believe in their truth rather than the whole truth. The truth however, is often tinted by the rules of society. So what am I to believe? Should I blindly believe the strong ones and follow them, should I accept the rules of the society or should I wait indefinitely for an event which may or may not occur so that I am strong enough to make my own belief?

I like to think of myself as malleable. Neither too rigid about what I think nor too flaccid. I have an opinion about everything and will defend it till I can but I am open to change. But that’s just till I can call myself strong. Till then, I’ve decided to do what the picture says..

image

from the bettermanprojects

I may not agree with what you say but I will defend till death, your right to say it

Here’s to a lot of questions and being open ended. Here’s to options. And here’s to opinions.

Here’s to me. And you. And a coexisting world.
-stay with me.

Carpe Diem!

Often, we find our minds wandering. for instance, I was supposed to be sleeping now but my mind refuses to shut up. It is thinking at a speed that is faster that light and far too difficult to slow down. Doesn’t it annoy you when you’re really trying to concentrate and do something, the thought of something totally random brushes past your mind and it’s almsot like the mind is trying to run after ans seize that thought..and in that attempt, YOU completely lose track of what you were doing. Say, while reaidng (or studying) don’t you read an entire page but not know anything about it? the mind goes into a trance. And this ‘zoning out’ happens way too often with me.

And what my mum says is true. Noone can make you do something if your mind doesn’t want to.

Trreat your mind like a dog

 

 

 

Think of your mind as a dog. Yes, you heard me. And now, train it to listen to you. It wont be easy. You’ll have to take it out for walks, feed it, nourish it, love it, make it grow, let it breathe, let it play but most importantly, you have to teach it to be loyal and to be obidient; the latter being the most important part of it all.

 

 

Treat your mind to the occasional snooze days where all you do is sit and relax. Take your mind out to strolls in creative places- write, draw, explore, exercise! Feed it with information, news, study something new everyday, solve crossowrd puzzles 9or for the more akin, Sudoku). Nourish it with good food and by good, I don’t mean salads..eat the food that pleases you, that makes you drool. Love your mind for your mind can take you places. Let it play- imagine, dream, desire, LOVE. Never hasten your mind to think like an adult. It will only be what it really is, your mind, once trained to think like someone it is not, will forever pretend and i know, noone wants that. And finally, make your mind listen to you. but who am i kidding? Making your mind do that is not an easy feat.

Everyday would become a stepping stone to achieve that schedule in your ‘mind training’. Scold it, scorn it and one day, maybe you will conquer your mind. But that will only be an illusion:

You think that you are the master of your mind but in reality the mind is the master of you.

It becomes a vicious cycle. You make the mind listen to you and ultimately, will yourself start listening to your mind. The mind is a powerful device. What it thinks, you create. What it dreams of, you achieve. What it hopes for, you make happen. the mind is who you are. you are what your mind is.

Sieze your mind. And you shall sieze the day.

Carpe Diem!

Stretch. Stand up.

Till where can you stretch? No, I do not mean ‘stretch’ in the true sense of the word like elasti-girl stretch..because that would just be perverted and cheap!

Not her!

By ‘stretch I mean- what is your limit? Have you set any standards or are you floundering about this big beautiful world till you get to a point in life where you can look at yourself and say ‘Eh, not bad’? Are you okay with being dependent on people around you? Even if those people are your closest, truest buddies, would you pile on to them for every little thing in your life or would you rather open a dictionary to look up the word P-R-I-D-E?
God, Almighty, Allah; whatever name, has given you two arms, a pair of feet, a head with a brain in it and a heart. Use that heart to get yourself to feel something. I’m going to hint at: ego. Yes, everybody says that an ego is a terrible thing to have. And we all know one fact (thanks to House MD): Everybody Lies. To me, Ego is nothing but Self Respect. Weigh things out proportionately and nothing in life is bad. Jealousy is good too, it’ll make you perform better if you know what I mean 😉

Anyway, I digressed.
Ego. Ego is good. Ego is necessary. Without an ego, you don’t really know who you are or where you draw the line for someone. For instance, how much would you let a friend support you? Yes, I said friend. Omg, now don’t jump up and say ‘But he is a friend so he is SUPPOSED to help me out’ or ‘She is a sister, more than a friend, she loves me’. Trust me, after a point, you need to frikkin’ stand up on your two feet and look down at the world with contempt. Contempt because, the world gave you a friend who halts your growth. If you have no one, then you have noone to either push you up..or pull you down. Friends are great to share, enjoy, vent, bla bla bla. But when a friend becomes a means to get what you otherwise wouldnt be able to get on your own, then you must rethink your so called friendship. Yeah, friends become family after a point but they can never replace your family.

A few days back, this friend of mine was telling me how lucky she is to have been able to live with a family which she got to choose and a family which so SO loving and so much cooler than most others. That she ‘got’ to choose to live with them and that she’s one of the lucky few. I’ll tell you one thing; my family is not perfect by any means.. I mean i could find a trillion things that I’d love to change, alter, add, do away with but never, in my wildest dreams, would I choose some other family over mine. It maybe broken but it is MINE and I will guard its integrity till life leaves me.

Draw a line. Live above it.

Respect yourself. Respect what your family has (or hasn’t) provided you with. Fill in those blanks that stare gapingly at you. Get off your sweet ass and do something about it instead of leaning on people. You have a spine, use it and stand straight.

One day, the world will know you for who you are and not for who you were with.

Break free if it's a facade.

The Uprising.

There was not a sound around him. Silently, un-steadily he walked ahead.
He was alone. He was loved, don’t get me wrong, but alone.

How much are you willing to trade for something so special that it’s not possible to own? Something which is elusive, not material. Something that is touch-and-you-lost-it. Something that you’ve wanted for a long long time. Something that you later realise, wasn’t worth it at all, that it was too glorious for you to have asked for it. Something so magical that it shouldn’t even exist?

Have you ever asked something simple and received the most extraordinary blessing and then realised what a curse it was?

He wanted to be a man.
Instead, he was made a legend

Have you felt that?

There have been times where I have closed my eyes and furiously prayed to God, to anyone for better health, for better grades, for better people… more often than not, I have been granted my demands, my whims. More often than not, I regretted asking for them. Now, I have the best of friends, the best 0f grades and a health to envy (touch wood) and I have an excess of expectations. Everyone expects me to perform, to raise the bar.

I have raised the bar.. the ‘up’ rising? I’ve raised it so high that I am struggling to get there. What if I don’t top this year? What if I fail at another relationship? What if i die? What if I shame my parents? I’ve raised it so high that now, it is difficult to fathom it’s reach. I’m trying to do as much as I can. I was made into something elusive when all I wanted was to just be a good daughter, a good friend, a good partner, a good student. No, I did not want stardom! No, I did not want to stand out. because now, people take my uprising for granted, to put it crudely.

I wanted to be a man, metaphorically. I was made into who I am. I love the way I am..
but,
Just let me close my eyes, and sleep, in peace. don’t expect. What if I fail to deliver? What if i screw up? What if I hurt you, again?
…what if?

The more the messier.

Or as the popular saying goes, more the merrier. I certainly don’t think so. My god, have you seen the chaos that always follows a hoard of people gushing in to help you? It is like a sea of blood hungry maniacs just waiting to pound you down by the sheer burden of their body weight!
Too much description, I know 😛

I have, therefore, reached the conclusion that being alone is better. Alone is good. Alone is happy. You have only yourself to deal with, to blame, to celebrate. Being alone makes you realise things which are far more important than the latest Oscar fashion fad, no offence to those who followed that. Being alone makes you realise how much potential you actually have. Imagine a world sans help. Yes, it would be a difficult life but wouldn’t it be more fulfilling? What you work for is ultimately what you earn. You, literally, are your own boss.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that one shouldn’t have friends. All I am harping on, is that it is always good to know what one is capable of. Know how much you can stretch yourself. Be Elasti-girl and test your limits. Keep one foot on one peak and streeeeetch till the next one, or as far as you can. No,not really,dumbo but yes,metaphorically.
Then, you can always go back to mingling and being ordinary.

If you don’t try, you will never get there. You have the whole world inside of you. Don’t let company ruin it. Don’t let the ordinariness of people just make you ‘exist’. Live!

Do your work ON YOUR OWN. Let someone guide you through it, but don’t let that person ‘do’ it. You only lose if you let that happen.

You, are your own hero. you.are.god.

-stay tangled (:

Achieve.

Everyone has dreams. Everyone wants to live those dreams out. But very few count-on-your-fingers-amount have actually done it. How many people are you aware of, who followed their dreams; went against their families (though not necessarily) and then lived the life they WANTED to?

They are your dreams.
Dont talk out loud about them. Dont discuss them day in and day out with anyone. No, not even with your closest friend.
Learn to protect your dreams. They are yours. Totally, completely, utterly yours to fulfil. And you have the power to shape them, to design them and to make build the path that’ll lead you to them. So protect them.

This world is nasty. Everyone hates. People are spiteful and envious.

They will envy you, for your dream is unique.
They will despise you in their hearts, for they couldn’t dare to dream
your dream.
They will never do it to your face, which makes it worse.

Don’t share your dream. Protect it like you’d protect a candle’s flame on a stormy night.

Anyway, what I’m trying to say is, build a wall and make a bubble for your dreams. Then, wake up and achieve them.

Don’t let anyone come in between you and that ONE dream that makes
you stay up at night. If your mind wants it badly enough then you heart
will find a way to make it happen. Don’t let anything hinder you.

Every problem you encounter and obstacle you cross over will only make the dream more elusive, more attractive and worth its while. All those people who never believed in your dreams should propel you closer and closer to what YOU believe in- and you believe that it.is.possible.

Make everyday a step towards that goal. Do something that makes you proud. Move closer to that dream every.single.day. Don’t just exist. Be the dream you want.

Believe. And one day it will be yours.
-to achieving. Cheers!

Believe!

p.s- The Better Man Projects – this blog made me (read: inspired me to) write this post. Evan Sanders, thank you 🙂

The Indigo Sheep.


When the eyes are closed, we lose touch with the world outside. But what is that endears us so much? It is not like we won’t survive if we don’t know what’s happening around us. Yet, when the windows to the world, our eyes are closed, we feel lost. We feel out of sync with the world. Each colour we see, each petal we feel, every move we make is only after a careful visual selection. It has been very correctly said, a man who can explain the meaning of ‘colours’ to a man blind since birth, is the greatest teacher of all. Despite being aware of this dependence, how many times do we stop to think about how would it be if the world was made of only one single colour, only one shade of it- black? Darkness would have been our true companion.

 Not just merely ‘looking’ at things. It is about looking at things with the correct perspective, a perspective that would enable us to see the future with clarity, with a purpose. The very fact that none of us stop to think and thank these tiny things that actually make life what it is shows how little time we have for ourselves. I heard that the gift of life is Life itself so living it should also be done with panache and style. Vision, tastes, touch- these are what make us see and be the world we are in. 

The people we meet, the friends we make, the fights we try to stop, the coffee we savour, the songs we sing and the music we hear…the things we write, the words we speak, the dresses we wear,all of it will become unimportant if did not possess these small little ‘gifts’.. Think about it. When will we get our priorities straight? When will we value the olfactory over the perfume?! The world has become overly materialistic, too dependent on tangible things. It is just sad that we fail to believe in ourselves and what we already have that we chase after the things we don’t have. Love and friendships are merely used as words to please people. 

Those people who can provide us with a sense of pleasure or security. We are never content with what we have; perhaps it is just human nature. But then, it is human to err (and even more human to blame it on others!) Words seem to fail me at these moments. Till then, make the best out of what you have.

“It’s something unpredictable, but in the end it’s life. Have the time of your life!”

Enjoy, breathe, look, feel and ultimately you will realise your own power. The power bestowed upon you. The decision to harness it is totally left up to you and your rationality. Perhaps you would choose to be different, but most will be happy to be the white sheep in the herd of white sheep. Some will be the black sheep…but I? I will be the indigo one. 

Different. 

Decided. 

Determined.


Why is it that I see everything with two perspectives? One with which the world views it, and one with which it ‘could’ be viewed with? When i look into a man’s eyes, i don’t just see the tiredness in them. I see so much more. I see his broken dreams resurfacing, trying their best to get a glimpse of what they could have been. I see the love he has for his family and children, I see his helplessness. I see him fighting for what is correct, for what he believes. I see his joy and pride. I see his anger and frustration.  I see what he has tried to bury for the past so many years.  I see what he has been hiding from the world. Perhaps, I imagine too much, but don’t all of us have broken rainbows and fallen egos, tumultuous joys and happiness, frustration and anger harbouring within us. Yet we choose to remain poignant and perfect before the make-belief world we live in. Trust me;

Crying alone is better than laughing with people who pretend to like you. 

Being with them is even more punishing! Break away from the normal. Stay up at night, listen to the dogs bark and hear the birds awaken. Do something you have not done. 

Try. To. Live. 😀