Bake the cake and eat it.

Too much to ask, is it?
To want to know
How he looks when
He concentrates,
He scribbles,
He sleeps,

What does he do
While deciding what to wear
Or what to order as dinner.

Too much to ask, I know.
To want to know
How he sighs,
Yawns, smirks,
Dances, dreams.
Drives.

How he moves when he
Holds a pen,
Holds my hand (?)
Holds the door open,
Holds me when I fall (?)
Holds a puppy,
Holds me.

All I want is

A touch.
The whiff of perfume.
His feet around mine
Under the table,
Or even on the bed.
..on the unmade bed.

A whisper.
Two words.
The feel of his silk tie
Around my wrists,
Or against my feet.
..my quivering feet.

Too much to ask,  too fucking much.

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My tip-toed return.

This is going to be a regular whiny girl post where I claim to be alone and happy, yet incomplete.
I’ve been dating since the end of ninth grade (yes, parents, chill). On and off. Someone has always been there even if I didn’t want someone 😛
And after a point it got to a point of no return. Men became expendable and ever-available and soon came a wave of superiority complex.
That done with, and having attained a sense  adulthood, and I say sense because I haven’t yet started practicing it (adulthood), I decided to take a break off of everything I knew and everyone I knew. I shed people like second skin and felt lighter. I felt free and I could finally be awkward and clumsy and have morals that were stupid and not get judged by a constant pressure of living up to a standard I had so meticulously created.
I wasn’t a myth anymore. I could say that Hitler was a genius who went drastically wrong and not feel as if the world would crash down on me. I had let go off people who wouldn’t be constantly on their toes to pull me down towards them. I decided to forgive those I fought with and truly bless their hearts. I decided to let it all in while I let it all out. It started with college but slowly extended to the periphery where the most important people were.
The important ones, I figured would always stick. That didn’t happen haha. Some left. No, let me rephrase: one left.
Long story short, a boy and a girl can never be friends without one getting hurt. And given my prior self satisfying tryst with lonliness, I was okay with the decision. Everybody needs space to breathe so I’ve given him his. 6 years of friendship, deserves that.

Which finally brings me to what I have to say now. I want to share my breathing space. I’ve had the group I’ve always had, since high school and nothing would ever change that. I’ve gained a very special friend in a fellow blogger who meets me in malls and my gardeny complex and writes me letters on crisp white sheets neatly tucked into mustard envelopes. I’ve got as many friends as I need and I’m lucky I can count on both hands cause I need that skill. (Those who know me, will vouch for the fact that math isn’t my forte and hence, the counting on both hands is a skill. Kthanks)

Now, after more than a year and half of self building and repeating a single sentence: I need to focus on my career, studies and self… I am finally ready to get back to being ‘with someone’. Not as a friend but romantically, for a change. I haven’t been in a relationship where the person is physically in the same city ever- since school, and that sucks. I haven’t had pop corn while watching a movie at home, tucked under the duvet with someone quietly cursing me for my choice of movies. I haven’t fought while being convinced (erronously) of how right I am. I haven’t said “we” in a long time. I haven’t written with my heart out on my sleeve. I haven’t got a gift which made my mother question the blood supply in my cheeks. What I gained is irreplaceable, I gained myself back. I had given so much over time to people that I was drained. I’ve helped a lot of people over time..small ways and big. And now, I’m ready to give again… In a few months (my year of self improvement ends this September). I’m ready to be taken in, I think. Am I?

I want someone to help me. And we’ll help each other. Then again, is asking a sign of weakness?
Some questions cannot be answered in a year. : )

Aaah! :(

What I wouldn’t do to be in Pune right now. Two of the people who mean the most to me are there and I could literally give an arm to go there asap!
My best friend has chicken pox and I really want to give her a hug. I want to sit and draw things with her and learn The Cup Song.
And my stud boy is achieving all these major feats in his college and I want to be a part of it too. He’s doing what he’s always wanted to and that makes me so happy!

I wish I could to there, just, that’s all I wish. As soon as possible.
I owe it to them, more than anything. I did not see my BFF’s college in Delhi and I haven’t seen stud-boy’s college the way I want to, per se. And they’ve both been more than enthusiastic, and have travelled with me to mine, albeit it’s closer to home than the distance I have to travel to see theirs. Ha!

Aaaah! I miss them so much 😦
I’d travel for a day just to be there for a day. *ptch*

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Flux.

There is constant pull between the things I want and the things I really want. Im not referring to a need but a want. I need to blame this constant state of flux on something so I blame it on my zodiac. Call me superfluous if you may, but the two fish swimming in opposite directions does have a significance in my life. The tug at each other, constantly moving in circles around the same centre.

I want to be with you. I can’t be with you. I should be with you. I don’t want to be with you. I don’t know what I want. I know exactly what is required. I know how but I don’t know why.

Let us be friends. God, how did we become friends? Let’s date. Oh, I am not sure. I can’t wait to meet you this time. Why are you coming?

I want ice cream. Ice cream is fattening. Let me gorge on chocolates. But im not in love. They aren’t related. How does it matter? I need choclate and I need love but I can’t stand either.

I love you. I hurt you. You piss me off. Stay away. I want you closer. Not so close. Don’t go further. I am sorry. But why should I be? It isn’t my fault. It is all my fault. I can’t be constant. I cannot decide. I cannot ascertain.

I’m hollow. I’m overflowing. I need you here. I don’t want you here. Need. Want. The constant flux. In turmoil. In turmoil.