The cross at infinity.

As I left her standing there, she stood there smiling and waving at me while I waved back, trying to mask what I truly felt. It broke my heart to leave her there, where the road bent and blurred into what I call ‘mundane’. As I drove off, she turned and started walking away, possibly feeling the same knot that I felt in my gut.
I turned to look back at her as the signal turned red again, searching for her trademark backpack, but she was lost in the crowd. She must be humming a song, I thought to myself and smiled.

I drove ahead, the traffic finally making way for me to move on. I crept back into the flow of how things were, as she walked on the road that would take her home.
Life has a beautiful humour in it, when you look at the intricacies of the day, I thought to amuse myself. At the same time, she smiled too, after spotting a squirrel burrow through a small hole in the water-pipe by the road. We were living lives that were parallel to each other. Never crossing each other yet, we knew that this was a togetherness of a lifetime. And parallel lines meet..at infinity, and that is the most divine union that is there. Isn’t it?

Think about it, wouldn’t it be beautiful to live a life with someone who is your parallel, one who never intersects, never interferes but is always there, travelling beside you, never judging and always knowing which path to follow, in case you falter or forget your way. And then, when you’ve been together all this while, lived through the highs and lows, toughed out the different planes of parallelism… your desitny takes you to that one exhilarated peak of a moment where you finally meet the ‘one’. And in that sliver of time, in the slice of history- you feel a rush, and that rush is enough to make you quiver with a strange kind of peace that you’ve been searching for your whole life, without even knowing that you were missing that one piece in your puzzle.
And for this, you would travel another lifetime because she means that much to you.

She? You know who you are : )

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Memoirs of a Memory with a Song.

Don’t you just detest it when a perfectly brilliant song is ruined because some jack-ass halfway around the globe decided to make a memory with you precisely when that song was playing and then BAM! three months later he isn’t there and the perfectly brilliant song is pooped. Yknow, there are categories of songs- the mediocre, the good and then, there are the brilliant.

The mediocre are the ones which find their way into your playlist because
– someone gave them to you via bluetooth
-a dude shared his playlist with you to get you to listen to grunge rock
-a break up
-PMS
-by mistake
-really sad sitcoms which make you think ‘wow that song is brilliant’ and then you download it and listen to it on repeat for 567 hours and then, by the end of it you are ready to puke.
-initially a brilliant track which slips to the mediocre because of *surprise surprise* the MEMORIES.

The good ones are good primarily because they are cult classics, I mean, Pink Floyd will never become mediocre because a d-bag decided to ruin it for you. NO! You always come back to life after Pink Floyd, literally. And then is John Mayer and Coldplay and ABBA (and ronan keating). And Death Cab For Cutie (at least some of their songs. I don’t know why they decided to sing for Twilight- the Meet me on the equinox). Some songs never die. I mean, yeah whatever some guy might ruin one or two of those ‘classic’ songs but forgive them. They know not what it means to dance to ‘I will follow you into the dark’. Word of advice, limit these classics to those you know will NOT let you down. Ever. EVER. Like best friends or parents or children. That way, no one can ruin good songs for you. 🙂

^that is a really cute rendition of I Have A Dream, ABBA. Watch it :’)

Then come the brilliant ones. These are comprised mainly by The biggies themselves, each of us have our personal favourites and I wont name mine but you would which songs figure in your list of brilliant, wouldn’t you? The ones which you always listen to, anytime all the time. Like I could listen to Fix You for-evvvver and never get tired of it and I would not let anyone ruin that song for me. No one is allowed to dedicate it to me. No one is allowed to expect it from me. This is MY song. and will remain so because it is too precious for me. The words are too personal. If this song is dedicated to me by someone I love and then he breaks my heart (or whatever) then these very words will prick me and make me bleed. So I wont let anyone burst my bubble. And if you really love me, you wont dedicate this to me.
You could, however, dedicate a ‘Baara maheene mein baara tareeko se’ to me because that song is already hopeless. It means all that you want a love song to and then too it doesn’t stand a chance of getting ruined with a memory because the song already is at the lowest level of music. Seriously. LOWEST.

^Don’t watch this if you aren’t ‘READY’

Now, it isn’t just sad memories that attach themselves to songs. there are songs to which you have joys and birthdays related to. There are songs which make you smile no matter what. there are those songs to which you danced on your first night stay or the song you sang to your BFF after the epic fight or a song you dedicated to your mom on mother’s day. Some songs become good from the mediocre scale because of the memories so never underestimate those underdogs, you!

^Like this one, that I’d love to sing- fights or no fights, we are stuck with each other Pie. Oh, Happy Birthday! 😀

But getting back to the sad stuff (because sad things always appeal more, sadists we are),
I missed out one more category of songs. they are the happy songs which mean nothing. Or sad ones, the blues, which say absolutely nothing to you. Yknow, the kind to which you were introduced to because someone dedicated them to you. The conversation goes like:
Random person who knows you- ‘Hey, this is a nice song and I, in my right senses dedicate this absolutely nonchalant piece of music to you!’
You- ‘Oh, alright gracious man/woman/person, I shall listen to it right away’
And then you and that person become really good friends, lovers, pals, siblings, online facebook open relationship partners, whatever, and slowly you drift away BUT the song still remains on your iPod/Walkman/Really awesome phone like SGIII. And while you’re on a long journey the song begins to play and you remember that friendship (or affair) and just…smile. No bitterness, no joy either but just a memory that does not affect your emotion.
Like, right now, I am listening to ‘Addicted’ by Enrique. No, don’t judge me it is a really nice song okay, whatever. And  this song has become rotten by all the so-called dedication but still it has managed to remain on my playlist and I have no memory associated with it whatsoever. None!

So, lesson to be learnt is just one:

Nothing fixes a thing so intensely in the memory as the wish to forget it.

Don’t fight the memories and don’t fight the world from making them for you. If some guy, in his mushy weakness dedicates ‘Perfect two’ by Auburn to you, just smile and listen to the song. And then, remember the song. Memories are a part of life. We wouldn’t stay up at night if it wasnt for those wretched memories and future-planning. Happy or sad, songs and memories are intricate and you can’t argue over the fact that a little bit of heartache makes the songs even more beautiful, ’cause lets face it- even though you categorise them as mediocre because of the sourness attached to them, they are still there on your playlist, aren’t they?

Let life play itself out. 🙂

A final treat for you-

-entangle.

Living life like a boss. And CAKES!

Whenever I feel lazy to type in a blog entry, I start hyper ventilating. I keep saying to myself (while I procrastinate)- ‘OMG, Sweta, this is it, this is going to be the last time you try to write something and your blog will slowly decay into oblivion and no-one will care’. I start thinking of topics. Every thing, even ants and dust seem to motivate me to write but nothing is ever good enough. I know, some of you do read my blog regularly (have i ever thanked you enough?) and some don’t (why, WHY?) but will it matter if I stop writing?

Now this is not a quest for fishing compliments. I am only just being honest. I would miss a blog if it dies (given that I like it already and it is awesome and its death is untimely). I love the blogs I follow and I read them regularly. I am like this dog that returns to its place of worship but then, there are days where I just don’t feel inspired enough to write something substantial. I mean, hello? I have a standard to keep here! So days go by before I write something for the blog and by that time the stats fall down to a trickle. Shaa, what a waste huh?

Anyway, so what i was saying was that every time I decide that ‘that, that post was IT and my blog will definitely die NOW’, I get a new follower or a new like or a new comment. Something positive always happens and I get all bubbly and bouncy about it. I feel like a little girl on a sugar rush and my fingers automatically type in a new post. 😀

So here’s one for today-
I have been on vacation. post-exams I have nothing to do but laze around, surf the internet, watch TV, watch movies (i recently watched Casablanca, An accidental husband, Autumn in New York, Lost in Translation and Barfi :D), watch House and catch up on Gossip Girl. Oh, and blog. And Read!  It being international book week and all, I decided to buy one of the International best sellers. I am currently reading Shantaram. I am loving it till now and I am only on the 30th page. Shantaram is also my mum’s gift to me on Daughter’s Day! (thank you ma!)

Thats what I did last night- Some old wine, a new book, and chocolates. 😀

My mother’s going on an exchange programme to Germany as a teacher representative and India being a tropical country, we were short on the required woollens so she and I went shopping. She bought her stuff while I looked around the clothes and wandered into Crossword and then, I got stuck. All the books literally stared back at me so I went through some of them (Catcher in the Rye, What Young India Wants, etc) and then decided to buy a book instead of buying clothes. And the moment in which I made that decision, I felt so happy and grown up. I felt like I was buying something that was for life. And so, I am now a proud owner of Shantaram, by Gregory David Roberts. And then mum and I went to a cake shop and I ate a big slice each, of  Blueberry cheese cake and Chocolate Truffle Cake. And then I was bloated. And then we went out decided against having Puchka. We ate Puchka nonetheless and happily trotted back home.

Yumm.

Double yumm.

I read the first page of the book out loud (because it was that good) while mamma tried on her new acquisitions. Oh, and she recently purchased a saree for herself which I wore as well, yknow, just to try it on and my god did I look awesome or whaaa? 😛

India, Incredible India?

Life has become and endless session of TV-Internet-Shopping and phone calls and I am not complaining. College reopens on 1st and holidays (for Durga puja) begin soon after so yes, I am living life right the way I want to!

-Enjoy and don’t detangle!

Carpe Diem!

Often, we find our minds wandering. for instance, I was supposed to be sleeping now but my mind refuses to shut up. It is thinking at a speed that is faster that light and far too difficult to slow down. Doesn’t it annoy you when you’re really trying to concentrate and do something, the thought of something totally random brushes past your mind and it’s almsot like the mind is trying to run after ans seize that thought..and in that attempt, YOU completely lose track of what you were doing. Say, while reaidng (or studying) don’t you read an entire page but not know anything about it? the mind goes into a trance. And this ‘zoning out’ happens way too often with me.

And what my mum says is true. Noone can make you do something if your mind doesn’t want to.

Trreat your mind like a dog

 

 

 

Think of your mind as a dog. Yes, you heard me. And now, train it to listen to you. It wont be easy. You’ll have to take it out for walks, feed it, nourish it, love it, make it grow, let it breathe, let it play but most importantly, you have to teach it to be loyal and to be obidient; the latter being the most important part of it all.

 

 

Treat your mind to the occasional snooze days where all you do is sit and relax. Take your mind out to strolls in creative places- write, draw, explore, exercise! Feed it with information, news, study something new everyday, solve crossowrd puzzles 9or for the more akin, Sudoku). Nourish it with good food and by good, I don’t mean salads..eat the food that pleases you, that makes you drool. Love your mind for your mind can take you places. Let it play- imagine, dream, desire, LOVE. Never hasten your mind to think like an adult. It will only be what it really is, your mind, once trained to think like someone it is not, will forever pretend and i know, noone wants that. And finally, make your mind listen to you. but who am i kidding? Making your mind do that is not an easy feat.

Everyday would become a stepping stone to achieve that schedule in your ‘mind training’. Scold it, scorn it and one day, maybe you will conquer your mind. But that will only be an illusion:

You think that you are the master of your mind but in reality the mind is the master of you.

It becomes a vicious cycle. You make the mind listen to you and ultimately, will yourself start listening to your mind. The mind is a powerful device. What it thinks, you create. What it dreams of, you achieve. What it hopes for, you make happen. the mind is who you are. you are what your mind is.

Sieze your mind. And you shall sieze the day.

Carpe Diem!

Bolted doors of the sleepless nights.

I just finished watching Iti Mrinalini. And there isn’t one happy even in that movie. Don’t misunderstand me, it is a beautiful ‘chhobi but I cannot understand how there can be so much sadness, sorrow, melancholy in one person’s life.

I mean, how much can one person take? Is there any sorrow that we cannot overcome? Is there any loss we cannot forget? Is there any void that cannot be replaced? Does ‘loss’ mean anything, really?
Nothing that we lose is irreplaceable. You’re here, right now. Tomorrow is a new day; you may not exist. How many people will miss you? Yes, there will be tears, yes there will be a few days where people are stunned, shocked, PTSD-ing. But what after that?

Life.Goes.On.

To paraphrase from the Film ( and I am taking huge creative liberties here , while paraphrasing)
We merely believe that we control our fate. That we are superhumans who can write destiny, who control the future, who manipulate the truth. We don’t. All that we do is play as a pawn in the larger scheme of things. Everything is planned. Everything is pre decided. We’re an illusion of our own creation.We are not who we want to be; we are who we had to be.

I have not really been through any such terrible event in life which would force me to re-think my life. I hope that’s a good thing. I have had a the usual heart break warfare and the family melodrama, but isn’t all that what constitutes life and, well, growing up? I like those parts as much as I like the parts with ice cream and candies in them. If there is no bad, then how would I know what’s good eh! I missed studying in a college in Calcutta by one rank. ONE. It’s a hard loss, but there is nothing so miserable about it. And that’s the closest example I can get out of mu life, right now..till now.

So what IS miserable? In relative terms, nothing is. Every sorrow, every tear, every frown is only justified in extremely personal and completely individualistic terms. My sorrow is mine, not yours so don’t pretend to empathise. You cannot. The world is full of problems- no drinking water, global warming, Mamta Banerjee [ 😛 ] so I don’t hold my problems in prime importance. Someone told me that the sorrow in the world never reduces the pain, instead it increases the magnitude. I disagree. Pain is pain to only the one/ ones who’re feeling it. And by ‘feeling’ I mean truly going through it all. Trust me, none of us want to go through the no-drinking-water sorta pain. We;re all oh! so delicate. We’re not meant to feel that kinda loss or lack. We’re delicate. Our sorrow isn’t what someone else will be able to fathom just like we wont understand anyone else’s. So do me a favour- the next time someone says ‘I am sad’, just sit next to that person and wait for him/ her to calm down. You do NOT know what is going on so stfu!

We all ‘move on’. We all ‘get over it’. Everyone is born with that inbuilt mechanism to cope with loss. Every orphan grows. Every mother can survive. Every family re-builds their roots…it’s just with reluctance, that everyone carries on. And that reluctance to carry on, to live, to forgive or forget is what ultimately makes us human.

To live, is human.
To love, is human.
Everyone lives, perfectly.
Everyone can love, in their own flawed way.

Life is an absolute. It is singular.

You will be wronged, this world is a bitch.. but never forget the love that you get.

-stay tangled.
xoxo

 

The Uprising.

There was not a sound around him. Silently, un-steadily he walked ahead.
He was alone. He was loved, don’t get me wrong, but alone.

How much are you willing to trade for something so special that it’s not possible to own? Something which is elusive, not material. Something that is touch-and-you-lost-it. Something that you’ve wanted for a long long time. Something that you later realise, wasn’t worth it at all, that it was too glorious for you to have asked for it. Something so magical that it shouldn’t even exist?

Have you ever asked something simple and received the most extraordinary blessing and then realised what a curse it was?

He wanted to be a man.
Instead, he was made a legend

Have you felt that?

There have been times where I have closed my eyes and furiously prayed to God, to anyone for better health, for better grades, for better people… more often than not, I have been granted my demands, my whims. More often than not, I regretted asking for them. Now, I have the best of friends, the best 0f grades and a health to envy (touch wood) and I have an excess of expectations. Everyone expects me to perform, to raise the bar.

I have raised the bar.. the ‘up’ rising? I’ve raised it so high that I am struggling to get there. What if I don’t top this year? What if I fail at another relationship? What if i die? What if I shame my parents? I’ve raised it so high that now, it is difficult to fathom it’s reach. I’m trying to do as much as I can. I was made into something elusive when all I wanted was to just be a good daughter, a good friend, a good partner, a good student. No, I did not want stardom! No, I did not want to stand out. because now, people take my uprising for granted, to put it crudely.

I wanted to be a man, metaphorically. I was made into who I am. I love the way I am..
but,
Just let me close my eyes, and sleep, in peace. don’t expect. What if I fail to deliver? What if i screw up? What if I hurt you, again?
…what if?

Timberlake

Timberlake. Read: What goes around comes back around.
The song? That.

Life has a weird way of coming a full circle. Things will fan out in a way where the good get rewarded and where the ugly get punished. Things.will.be.alright.

Be it now or even 6 years 4 days later, that guy who dumped you will get dumped. Be it now or weeks later, the one who wronged you will be given it back, and given it back good and *phat* in his face. Life maybe cruel, but it is just. The world turns and revolves in mysterious ways. The stars align in magnificent ways. Things happen and always happen for the better.

Trust me when I say that because I’ve seen how just destiny is. I’ve seen it for a fact today. I can’t divulge what or how cause it’s not about me but trust me it’s true. Y’know how The Secret goes on about ‘think good things and they’ll happen when you’re ready’? Well you’re only *ready* to get those happy things when the universe is ready to give them to you. And the universe takes its own sweet time BUT it will give you what you deserve. Not what you want, but what you deserve.

Close your eyes and think of something bad that had happened to you. Think of that person and forgive him/her. The world will take care of it after that. But when something does happen to that person in the end, should you feel guilty? I mean, isn’t he getting punished because of the things he did to you? So technically, he is hurt because of you. He is suffering because of the wrong he did to YOU. So his condition has got something to do with you. And similarly, if you are say, punished for the bitchy things you have done, should the doee feel bad when the doer is hammered down by ”life”?

Small gray areas down there, eh?
Now close your eyes and think of something magical and pretty like stars and sparkles. close your eyes and sleep with the happy thought 🙂

The Indigo Sheep.


When the eyes are closed, we lose touch with the world outside. But what is that endears us so much? It is not like we won’t survive if we don’t know what’s happening around us. Yet, when the windows to the world, our eyes are closed, we feel lost. We feel out of sync with the world. Each colour we see, each petal we feel, every move we make is only after a careful visual selection. It has been very correctly said, a man who can explain the meaning of ‘colours’ to a man blind since birth, is the greatest teacher of all. Despite being aware of this dependence, how many times do we stop to think about how would it be if the world was made of only one single colour, only one shade of it- black? Darkness would have been our true companion.

 Not just merely ‘looking’ at things. It is about looking at things with the correct perspective, a perspective that would enable us to see the future with clarity, with a purpose. The very fact that none of us stop to think and thank these tiny things that actually make life what it is shows how little time we have for ourselves. I heard that the gift of life is Life itself so living it should also be done with panache and style. Vision, tastes, touch- these are what make us see and be the world we are in. 

The people we meet, the friends we make, the fights we try to stop, the coffee we savour, the songs we sing and the music we hear…the things we write, the words we speak, the dresses we wear,all of it will become unimportant if did not possess these small little ‘gifts’.. Think about it. When will we get our priorities straight? When will we value the olfactory over the perfume?! The world has become overly materialistic, too dependent on tangible things. It is just sad that we fail to believe in ourselves and what we already have that we chase after the things we don’t have. Love and friendships are merely used as words to please people. 

Those people who can provide us with a sense of pleasure or security. We are never content with what we have; perhaps it is just human nature. But then, it is human to err (and even more human to blame it on others!) Words seem to fail me at these moments. Till then, make the best out of what you have.

“It’s something unpredictable, but in the end it’s life. Have the time of your life!”

Enjoy, breathe, look, feel and ultimately you will realise your own power. The power bestowed upon you. The decision to harness it is totally left up to you and your rationality. Perhaps you would choose to be different, but most will be happy to be the white sheep in the herd of white sheep. Some will be the black sheep…but I? I will be the indigo one. 

Different. 

Decided. 

Determined.


Why is it that I see everything with two perspectives? One with which the world views it, and one with which it ‘could’ be viewed with? When i look into a man’s eyes, i don’t just see the tiredness in them. I see so much more. I see his broken dreams resurfacing, trying their best to get a glimpse of what they could have been. I see the love he has for his family and children, I see his helplessness. I see him fighting for what is correct, for what he believes. I see his joy and pride. I see his anger and frustration.  I see what he has tried to bury for the past so many years.  I see what he has been hiding from the world. Perhaps, I imagine too much, but don’t all of us have broken rainbows and fallen egos, tumultuous joys and happiness, frustration and anger harbouring within us. Yet we choose to remain poignant and perfect before the make-belief world we live in. Trust me;

Crying alone is better than laughing with people who pretend to like you. 

Being with them is even more punishing! Break away from the normal. Stay up at night, listen to the dogs bark and hear the birds awaken. Do something you have not done. 

Try. To. Live. 😀