Is the world big enough?

How big is the world? How big does it have to be to matter? To me, the world with all its gazillion people, is already too big to be ignored and Fortunately or unfortunately, the world does matter to me. It is officially, too big to be ignored. I cannot possibly understand how anyone could say ‘I do not give a shit’, because whoever says so LIES. Everybody lies. The world is too big and you are too small. The world doesn’t give a shit about you not giving a shit, if that makes sense.

It definitely means something to me if someone is hesitant, not unwilling but hesitant, to let me into their world. I am nineteen and there are high chances of me having met you after the better part of you has been nurtured, wired and programmed to behave in a certain manner. And that is perfectly fine. Even I have my tantrums and setbacks, I have my thoughts in a twisted concocted manner which are sometimes far beyond what people expect off me. But we are two different people and differences are welcome as long as we decide to work upon them and turn them into something that would unite us. Okay, no that isn’t possible I know. But we could at least try, right?

the world is big enough to matter. And I am old enough to matter as well. So if you want me in your life you might as well tighten your belts, pull up your socks and do all the other wardrobe stuff and bloody well make me feel a part of it. Words, they are stronger than texts and actions, they are stronger than words. And hugs? They are the strongest! Take the first step and for once, don’t make me give you the surprise. For once, make me feel like the lady. Make me feel less like the man in charge and more like the damsel to be rescued (no, i am not in distress). If you’re my friend then send me an essay about us. If you like me then tell me. If you don’t, then might as well say that and end the facade. ANd friend, if an essay is too much, then just make a plan to meet up with me.

You are a but a tiny speck in the world, but hell, without you the world, my world is incomplete. So you better feel like yours is incomplete sans me.

Image

– Love & extremely tangled!

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104.

Lets call this post ‘Train of Thoughts’. Why? Because it has been raining continuously for a long time and therefore I have been stuck in the room for a long time leading me to have a…train of thoughts which is well, long. There are a lot of wires that run from one electricity pole to another here, in Burdwan. And ever since it has been raining, there has been a formation of a train of droplets on them, every new drop ending in the one preceeding it. It keeps happening, no matter how much I will them to move ahead, the drops simply refuse to see that the wire continues beyond the point of coalescence.

Much like what’s happening to me. Remember, it was mum’s birthday on 18th? (which reminds me, thank you for the huge readership on that day!) Well, on the same day I got the news of one of my favourite teacher’s passing away. And everyone I spoke to asked me to move on on THAT very day. How? More importantly, why? When a person passes away, the world should stop, even if for a minute, but it should. It should make a difference. People should be sad. There should be a change. The earth must shift..only a litlle bit, but it should happen. Now ofcourse, if you did not know her, none of this is expected from you, but if you did know her, then hell yes- you should cry. There is nothing to be ashamed of, cry because she deserves it..
Ma’am had touched me and so many more. She was kind, beautiful and an amazing person not only from outside but also from the inside. She saw us as kids, not students. She saw her son in each one of us. She understood me. Ma’am you will be missed and you know that better than I can explain. I hope god takes you to a better place.

Yeh jeevan hai, iss jeevan ka, yahi hai yahi hai yahi hai rang-o-roop.
Thode gam hai, thodi khushiyan, yahi hai yahi hai yahi hai chao dhup.

– This song cannot get more appropriate.

It is still raining. My room-mate is cleaning her part of the room and organising her books. I, like always,am sneezing and snuggled under a blanket typing this out on my phone. There is a cat, sitting by the ledge near the window sill. It is white, with browninsh grey spots. And it is that cat which doesnt eat Marie biscuits so we have nothing better to offer. Choosy bitch, err, cat. I had decided to start studying at 5pm. That got postponed to 5:30pm and now, it is finally resting at 6pm. Have to start at a whole number, you see!

The rain has led like a gazillion insects into our lit room, we bengalis call this one urchinga. Not that you needed to know, but whats the harm in some free knowledge? Oh! I saw this horrendous movie yesterday – I Spit On Your Grave. It is a story about a girl who gets gang raped and then, about how she gets her revenge on those men (all of the men die in the end). It is ghastly and it made me nauseous. Surprisingly, the roomie I have cannot watch ghost stories cuz she’s scared of them could watch, follow and enjoy this movie which had me semi-puking after about an hour-and-half! Don’t watch it if you don’t think you can stomach teeth being pulled out, eyes being swallowed by crows, penises being cut and faces being acid-burnt.

Don’t, even if you think you can, because, you cant!

It has stopped raining, well reduced. I should go eat maggi. And study.

-wired and droplets make me smile. :’)

102.

In keeping with what I decided sometime back (read: yesterday) I shall continue to write broken-up excerpts from whatever the hell I think of. Today, I think I’ll write about something that’s been going on in my mind for a day or two, plus about a lost friend.

1) I’ve been a good girl. Up until now, I haven’t really gone out of my way to be bitchy. Whatever bitchy thing I’ve done has come naturally haha, but yes seriously; I have never ‘planned’ to hurt anyone. I don’t drink (much). I don’t smoke (much). I don’t smoke up. I don’t strip in front of random guys. Oh no, don’t get me wrong..I’m not saying that those who do all of the above-mentioned are ‘bad girls’. I’m just saying that I have been good. The Maa-kya-kahegi syndrome is a little too strong in my head and sometimes I just feel it will burst open. But haven’t I been too nice? I’ve always wanted to try that squeezy tube ice thingy you get outside schools or in bus stands. They come in a variety of flavours- pepsi, cola, dahi, mango, orange, lemon..wow, I should try it sometime but… I don’t. Why? because good girls don’t do that. Because, it is unhygienic or because Sweta doesn’t want to see me do that. Aren’t I missing out?

It is not just about the sucking the life out of an ice tube thingy. It is about everything I might be missing out on. Hell I haven’t been mad sloshed and drunk yet. I am a tight arse. And now I feel sad about myself so I shall get down to other topics.

2) Let me remind you about this friend I once had. She and I became SO close in such a short period of time. Everybody knew that oh Sweta and her are bffs. The wall posts on Facebook were nauseating but we kept at it. We were determined to not let distance ruin what we had once we were in college. Well, distance couldn’t do nothing to us! Sadly, she could. It is amazing how well we can all adjust to loss. Loss due to death. Loss due to distance. Loss due to misunderstanding. Or loss due to plain and simple WILL. Up until now, I used to not worry all that much because she had her exams. I kept reasoning with myself that she’d call when she’s free..that she’ll understand she was wrong. (yes, we had an argument and the saddest part about that fight was that she didn’t even know how miserable she had become.) Remember the post Stretch. Stand Up  ? That was for her. And then, her exams ended but she never called, or texted. or emailed. or anything. She deleted me from her life and I, for once did not protest. Oh well, it was fun while it lasted.

I do miss it sometimes, having someone to confide in. But life has a way of throwing people at you, each one filling up the vacuum left by another or creating their own little space, in a fresh new manner. I realised that I never really am alone. Yes, a lack that ‘someone special’ and yes, I have no bff but that doesn’t leave me alone. I have SO many people who do care about me whereas in reality, I need just a handful. A friend in need is a friend indeed, right?

So, here’s to a friendless me. And here’s to a me, who’ll finally buy that delicious thing for 2 rupees and suck, lick and do all the other pervy stuff you’re thinking of right now.
– tangled much?

Politics. Rape. Movies and Much More.

Yes, so about that ‘scene’ I was talking about wrt my college? There is a whole political scenario brewing in my college. I can’t say that I am not drawn to it. You know how I am- I get all worked up and swatantravadi neta-ish on smallest of issues. I know what I stand for. I stand for what is correct, I stand for integrity. And this reminds me- EVERYBODY SHOULD WATCH SCENT OF A WOMAN PRONTO! I couldn’t resist but to do something about it so I got caught up. What did I do? I can’t tell you now. I know it is a spoiler but I did something and if I do reveal it, alien forces might come here and abduct me. Cool right? Haha, no not really. I might just get killed or raped, ’cause rape is the new murder.

The aiens be-come!

Which brings me to my next topic. Rape. #didyouhear what the Delhi Police had to say about rape victims? My god the audacity these people have is mind-blowing. ‘Girls induce rape by kids by wearing transparent clothes‘ Whatshit?
Yes sir, us girls, we only look for random drunk boys to get horny with. No, we do not have boyfriends we only get sloshed with boys who we KNOW would screw with us, an I mean screw literally. Our families suck too; Loose mothers= Loose daughters, acc. to the Police. Oh! and I almost forgot that we purposely get into the cars of potential rapists to make headlines. You see, we have no other work.

Seriously, Delhi Police?!

I was discussing movies with a friend of mine ( i caught up with SO many good ones this week). I realised that if one hasn’t seen a particular good movie, or say hasn’t heard of a famous soundtrack we instantly relegate that person to a group in our head. It’s almost like the SC ST OBC system in our constitution. ‘you do not know this thus you belong to such-and-such group’. It’s like a system. The mind keeps grouping everyone. Classifying. categorising. Racism is in our head. haha! How can we even dream of getting away from it? That is how humans function. All hail the black and white domain.
Hmm, ‘relegate‘. Nice word. 😛

'Why So Serious?'

And i came across this great quote:

All things truly wicked start from an innocence

Classic, aint it? I came across this on Criminal Minds. You watch? Put it on your things to do list asap. I watch it for the quotes and the mysteries too, but more for the end than the story. Anyway, as the quote says- anything wicked stems from innocence. What does raping stem from? Tell me once and i shall remove that feeding innocence at once. Give me those superpowers and I will hunt those rapists down like these people on the show!

What’s th plan for the weekend?

-stay with me?

Bolted doors of the sleepless nights.

I just finished watching Iti Mrinalini. And there isn’t one happy even in that movie. Don’t misunderstand me, it is a beautiful ‘chhobi but I cannot understand how there can be so much sadness, sorrow, melancholy in one person’s life.

I mean, how much can one person take? Is there any sorrow that we cannot overcome? Is there any loss we cannot forget? Is there any void that cannot be replaced? Does ‘loss’ mean anything, really?
Nothing that we lose is irreplaceable. You’re here, right now. Tomorrow is a new day; you may not exist. How many people will miss you? Yes, there will be tears, yes there will be a few days where people are stunned, shocked, PTSD-ing. But what after that?

Life.Goes.On.

To paraphrase from the Film ( and I am taking huge creative liberties here , while paraphrasing)
We merely believe that we control our fate. That we are superhumans who can write destiny, who control the future, who manipulate the truth. We don’t. All that we do is play as a pawn in the larger scheme of things. Everything is planned. Everything is pre decided. We’re an illusion of our own creation.We are not who we want to be; we are who we had to be.

I have not really been through any such terrible event in life which would force me to re-think my life. I hope that’s a good thing. I have had a the usual heart break warfare and the family melodrama, but isn’t all that what constitutes life and, well, growing up? I like those parts as much as I like the parts with ice cream and candies in them. If there is no bad, then how would I know what’s good eh! I missed studying in a college in Calcutta by one rank. ONE. It’s a hard loss, but there is nothing so miserable about it. And that’s the closest example I can get out of mu life, right now..till now.

So what IS miserable? In relative terms, nothing is. Every sorrow, every tear, every frown is only justified in extremely personal and completely individualistic terms. My sorrow is mine, not yours so don’t pretend to empathise. You cannot. The world is full of problems- no drinking water, global warming, Mamta Banerjee [ 😛 ] so I don’t hold my problems in prime importance. Someone told me that the sorrow in the world never reduces the pain, instead it increases the magnitude. I disagree. Pain is pain to only the one/ ones who’re feeling it. And by ‘feeling’ I mean truly going through it all. Trust me, none of us want to go through the no-drinking-water sorta pain. We;re all oh! so delicate. We’re not meant to feel that kinda loss or lack. We’re delicate. Our sorrow isn’t what someone else will be able to fathom just like we wont understand anyone else’s. So do me a favour- the next time someone says ‘I am sad’, just sit next to that person and wait for him/ her to calm down. You do NOT know what is going on so stfu!

We all ‘move on’. We all ‘get over it’. Everyone is born with that inbuilt mechanism to cope with loss. Every orphan grows. Every mother can survive. Every family re-builds their roots…it’s just with reluctance, that everyone carries on. And that reluctance to carry on, to live, to forgive or forget is what ultimately makes us human.

To live, is human.
To love, is human.
Everyone lives, perfectly.
Everyone can love, in their own flawed way.

Life is an absolute. It is singular.

You will be wronged, this world is a bitch.. but never forget the love that you get.

-stay tangled.
xoxo

 

Feel; un-feel.

there are times in your life where you wish. just wish.

and right now, i am sad. yes, sad and upset and i need to vent. i look forward to moments where i can look at someone, point my fingers and say ‘ha! gotcha fuckface’ but now that i have that time, that moment, i just wanna close my eyes and wish it never really happened. i am supposed to feel elated, overjoyed, surpassed with smiles and tears together. but i dont. i just feel vacant and hollow. it’s like someone put their hands inside me and ripped my soul off my body. and is dangling that very lifeless soul in front of me.

now that i know how measured life can get, and to know that i was right about those, er, measurements, i should feel blessed that i have the most precise knowledge about how much to anticipate. but no! i feel cursed. cursed because i know i wished upon this. no wonder they say ‘be careful what you wish for, you might just get it’
(my bff just called and i ignored her call. something is wrong with me)
anyway, i feel morose. tears are brimming up to that final edge but this is the first time i have been able to blink them back. i have finally conquered the art of gulping sorrow and pretending to be happy. well, not really. i still suck at pretending. nevertheless, i mastered something. i should feel proud, right? I DO NOT. i want to hug myself and doggy and sleep. i want a boy who understands me. and i want to feed laxatives to my ex.

i feel vengeful and mortified to be feeling this way. my head is splitting, as if i have a hundred hangovers simultaneously. i don’t like to feel this way. and i feel guilty. and helpless. (i normally feel helpless when a lot of work is due- like studies or lab work and the deadline is around, but i guess life isn’t simple once you turn 19 cuz yes, i have academics pending but wth i am in college!). then WHY am i feeling all this.

trust me. i’d give an arm and a leg to keep my mum from flying to pune tonight. i would give my enitre body to erase the last few days and just write them myself. but these reasons are not why i am feeling this way. these reasons aren’t reason enough.
…or are they?