Choices have to be paid for

There is a price I have to pay for the choice of my career is that I find it impossibly difficult (and expensive) to go abroad, for education or work which is one and the same thing for me. To go to any country, I’ll have to go and repeat a part of my curriculum which completely negates my work in the home country. Besides, india needs me more, right? Yes, the US has a better life (better being a relative term) and the UK has the best life. And Naples has better food, and Germany has better cars, roads and basically everything is greener on the other side of the border but why should I have to pay for this decision with my heart? Every person I’ve liked, be it my best friend, a fellow I met a few months ago who’s turned out to be one of my closest, my crush or my romantic interest… everyone is going abroad. This leaves me in a very peculiar fix. I can blame this on the stars and call it a typical Piscean trait. I’ve forever been torn between what’s practical and what I want. It has never been both, and I’m using the word never liberally here. Doctor vs creative profession. India vs abroad. Staying at home vs staying away.

I’m tired of losing people in the proximity terms because I choose to stay back. This decision is fairly certain because more than anything, it takes a lot financially and i refuse to pay another country revenue to make me a citizen. The only country I’d go to is Denmark, and I see no way of that happening.

I’m tired of having to choose someone to like based on where they’ll be five years from now. I’m tired of Skype calls and viber. I’m tired of the Internet encroaching on my friendships, and social media replacing heart to hearts, because “OH yes it popped up on my news feed and I liked it.”

I hate a dilemma.

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A conversation starter.

There’s just this inane quality in the way light reaches us. I’ve been thinking a lot about light these days. Both light, and lightness. The two seem so…inter-related, yet they could mean different things altogether.
Light. There is a definite confusion over what light is. When we were younger, we used to ask this riddle, ‘which is heavier, a tonne of cotton or a tonne of rocks’. In essence, what determines lightness? Can we really fly without an aeroplane? Is it possible? We could grow wings one day, you and I, and fly. I just need to find that formula I lost while on my way to adulthood. I feel happy. The last few months have seen ups and downs, sure, but I was happy more or less. Make that, the last year. The heart is a wild thing, that is why our ribs are called cages, I presume. I might like other people, that’s human nature but there’s a loyalty that even a pigeon feels toward the master. You’ll come back and I’ll return. It is this unending loop of infinite turns. I write well, don’t fall into the trap of words. You express yourself, or try to, as well as you can. But you get caught up in looking non-vulnerable. Men! I digressed…

In this book I read, life has been broken down into so many beautiful ways. It has no story, but yet, it manages to make one think. You should read it too, if you have the patience. I had to repeatedly go back to reading it, re-reading at times. It was difficult to grasp in the beginning but once over, it was exhilarating.
Yes, I am going to the capital, the place where you once lived, while the one person I really want to meet is not there. Such mean tricks. I want to go away from home and just spend a year writing and drinking coffee and getting high on tequila. I wish I was rich enough to be spoilt. If wishes were horses, I’d ride them like they ride those horses on Game of Thrones, cross the poison water, and meet you.

Oh, you’re online now.
It was nice to be able to write without expecting a reply. Rambling to a screen that replies to your thoughts, was at one point considered impossible. The magic mirror, they would say.

 

 

 

And, that’s how the cookie crumbled.

Demons within yourself.

Up until this day, I used to feel that the competition is always ex-situ, motivation comes from wanting to be better than the rest of the world. What I used to think was that the need to be something, to become someone stems from being better than the others. But I was grossly mistaken and couldn’t have been more tangentially off target. I had barely touched the tip of the titanic iceberg and was blissfully ignorant of the amount of tortuous competition I had stored (manufactured?) within myself. Till now, I wasn’t competing with the girl who might topple me over in school or the girl who is prettier than I am. What I realized today was, my battle has always been with the image I have of the future.

I am competitive person. Comparison coming from within drives me to be better. Now, comparison by someone else to someone else will tick me off, however the same notions, if they sprout off my overactive brain, will work in just the opposite manner. Honestly, I don’t give two hoots about my current scenario- what I do, eat, think, read, listen to, wear, write- none of it has any implications on the Me of today. Look at it objectively, nothing you do now will give you anything, other than a few moments of joy and some great photographs. I agree,  these things are essential. (I participate in the mass hysteria called Facebook as well, uploading photographs and letting everyone know what I am up to, in case someone wants to document my life, they could do so by glancing at my page, and this holds true for most of us.) But why do we all do what we do? Frankly, I do it for the future. I’m studying now so that I can be successful later, I eat good food because I don’t want to regret it later, I listen to good songs, ’cause well, everyone likes doing that (!), I read so that I have a good knowledge of books, I wear what I do cause I know everything is leading up to something. What “something”? I do not know. Our entire life is like a build-up to something. Something in the future. And I want to be well dressed (prepared?) for when that happens!

The plus and minus of the future is that it comes one day at a time. So when that ‘something’ actually hapens, you won’t have a clue that it came, stayed and went away and all you were doing was pose for a photograph. Your best moment might have already passed right by you and you were too busy day-dreaming about the future. How’d that be for a bummer?

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Anyway, I went way off topic. Competition is what I had started off with. I’m only building a self of today for the self of tomorrow. Everything I am doing right now was initially motivated by a source from outside and I realized that everything that I am or have been doing, has actually been a competition with myself in the future.
I have an image and I am fighting everyday to make sure I reach it. I have been competing, till date, with myself at the age of 35 (or 30, or 40…you get the drift). Does it really matter now if I top my university? I will have a huge ceritifcate proclaiming my past achievement, and yet my clinic might remain empty. On the other hand, I might do well enough now, have fun and work hard and then have a life full of kids and a husband who works, and therefore live the usual (happy?) life or I do what I can right now, top or not- I learn my science- and leave everything up to the way things pan out. Let’s face it, things will pan out whether I want them to or not. What I can do now is make choices, take the decisions which need to be taken and then, as the Beatles said, Let it be, (they knew everything, didn’t they?) all of which would be with a certain image in mind. And, it is this uncertainty of whether we will reach that social standing or economic status, that we all compete against. None of us want an unstable base. No one wants to wobble around after a certain point in life, so we make do with where we have reached, which in turn depends up on what we did earlier, which effectively leads you back to the choices you make right now. See, a cycle it is, vicious or not, is how it all pans out…in future.

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We all compete with ourselves from the future, trying endlessly to bridge the gap between what we will be and what we want to be, or even worse, what we could have and what we have become.

Who wins? Muhahahaha.

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Precipitate

You think a thought and then two more

You think of a word, then a few more

Then, there are billion others that burst

And they all collapse,

Before you can catch them, they fall

Shattered to smithereens, leaving just

Their fluorescent afterglow.

You move to stand, and the some more

You turn to the right, the a bit more

Then, you face your past eye to eye

And you fall,

Before you can balance, you’re at

The edge of your imagination, a battle

Between the could and should.

Your lips curve, then a hint more

Your shadow stirs, a shade more

Then you let it go, slowly

And you soar,

The lightness made you high, do you

Fall or do you fly? You choose to fall,

The colours return, to let your words precipitate.

And then you think a little bit more

And you use the words from before

The fluorescent afterglow, still there

You see it, then,

The unending loop, the brilliant colours,

The battle is won, you smile freely

Your shadow is as faithful as ever.

***

I didn’t want this poem to get lost in translation. I’ll let you have my interpretation of it. Often times, we are faced with difficult choices. To come to look at it from an outsiders perspective, the choices are actually very simple but we find them tough simply because of what we have experienced/ endured/ undergone in the past.

The first paragraph introduces the choice, the brilliance of the world around you when you see a new love, the colour of the trees in spring letting go of winter, anything at all. Everything new has a vibrance related to it. And you run towards it, only to see your problems haunt you, the problem from the past.

The second paragraph brings us face to face with the past. Why you felt what you felt when you saw the ‘new’. Should you try it, or is it a sin? Will you be betrayed again or will you be the one who betrays this time? Will the vibrance last?

The third paragraph is where you choose. The options were always between letting go and holding on. You let go.

The fourth, is about how you convey it. The ‘new’ needs to know it has been accepted. That’s when you realise, that it was never new… it was always your perception that made it new.

Let me know how else one could explain this. 🙂
– let go.

Sleep and choices.

Ever since I’ve joined college, and I did so three whole years ago, I’ve had to make a lot of choices. Most of the choices that I had to make were basically between sleep and other-non-important-thing.

The first decision that I make every morning is choosing between a few more minutes of sleep and a bath. No, seriously,  we all bathe once a day and we know that is supposed to be sufficient but is it essential for it to be in the morning? None of us sleep when we’re supposed to. We sleep late and regret it every morning but do we correct ourselves? No no nooo. We sleep in the afternoon and feel blessed, yet again. So, bath sleep..sleep bath? What did you choose today?

The other choice is between a romantic rendezvous with a lover and sleep. But this time, the afternoon sleep, thus, making us all the more deprived by night. Then, do we sleep early? Nu uh. Nada. Negative. There’s some weird hormonal chemistry that makes us stay awake, robbing us from the siesta and every plan of sleeping early goes down the drains. A friend collapsed or a friend is born..hostels are a busy place at night. Dark circles, hello!

Following which, inevitably, our adorable colleges will schedule a term paper thus choosing between sleep and studies is the next tough choice. Sleep wins, mostly. You can’t battle sleep with books open, unless maybe, if there’s an endless supply of Redbull. And coffee. And smokes?
‘Sleep is..defined as a…ha..bi…’ *snore*

There are endless number of nights that we stay awake, surfing the internet and watching episode after episide of House M.D, Gossip Girl, Grey’s, That 70s show and whatnot. It always begins with ‘this will be the last one I watch’, the battle between the laptop and our dreams. We literally stay up and watch films about dreams rather than sleep and dream for real. Or sleep,for the very determined..but do you really not want to know what Meredith says to Derek? :O

And then, there are times where all we do is sleep.
Class? Forget it.
Bath? Are you crazy?
Girlfriend? Screw it. (You wish)
Studies? I’ll manage.

Sitcoms? Okay, just one though. . .

‘Nuff about sleep. There are a lot of other seemingly difficult choices we have to make while in college. Of course i dont want the world to think that, us, college students have nothing better to do, than sleep.
Now this is assuming you’re away from home cause lets face it, if you were at home, mommy would make sure you ate your dinner instead of making a Top Ramen broth three out of five days at night.

#1 do I wear the same night suit twice (maybe more) in the same week? Washing clothes, such a pain. Ironing them? Hahaha.
#2 should I maybe study instead of staring at my phone for half and hour?
#3 should I clean my room, including that corner with the spiders..and the floor?
#4 should I get off my bed or sleep?
Oh, wait, this was the list without sleep as a choice. Sigh.. I guess I am out of things that don’t include sleep. -_-

Lets face it, the things that keeps us from sleeping without hesitation are
– 7% battery on the laptop/ phone while surfing the internet.
– beer party in the next room.
– a sudden knowledge of a pending lab report in class tomorrow.
– an exam, maybe.

Writing about sleep has made me drowsy.
Zzzzzzzzz
Stay strong.