Musings and the lot.

I’ve realised that I’m afraid of making memories by association. For instance, I haven’t yet told any guy about the song I want to dance to with him for fear of the simple fact that one day we might end up dancing to the song, thus making a memory that will last a lifetime (such is my memory) and the next day, we might break up; hence, leaving one of my favourite songs with a bitter aftertaste. For instance, if I ever do get a tattoo it will be on a day I go to the parlour alone and get it done without informing a soul, so that its permanence is not marred by anything unpleasant that may happen. For instance, I haven’t kissed on any New Year’s midnight despite having the opportunity to do so, because that’s something I want to be kept special for someone who is worth getting it ruined for for good (probably not the right word)

At the same time, and I know I’ll get a lot of flak for saying this, I enjoy making memories.
I’ll fly down to surprise you and shower you with gifts because I don’t remember the dates on the calender that well and the memory will remain without any concrete repeptive evidence. I’ll sing you songs that I wouldn’t remember singing. I’ll love you like there’s no tomorrow and rightly so, because what if there isn’t? I’d rather make a new memory with you than repeat something you have done with the rest in the past. Being a first was important to me but with age and time, it’s proving more and more difficult to be a first at anything personal, because everyone wants the same. So, I probably settle for being the last at everything.. but last at everything with you. (And I use the word you as a generic term, for friends and the SO). I’ve realised that being the last one is more special than being the first one. Imagine being the last person I think of before sleeping each night. 🙂

If I do anything permanent with anyone nowadays, it isn’t to just make a memory, it is to trust that the person will not leave me. Departure has a huge significance in my life. I’m not upset about it, in fact, I’m quite used to it by now. Ever since I was a child, I’ve had to bid goodbye to my friends because of my father’s transferable job (and Facebook or Gmail wasn’t a thing back then). Goodbyes are difficult, I wouldn’t disagree, but I’ve gradually grown used to moving away from people so much so that I’ve stopped trying to make anything permanent with someone important who shows even an inkling of leaving me.

What if someone does end up kissing me on new year’s and then leaves? I’d probably go in a new year’s kissing spree to make it mundane and then it wouldn’t matter anymore. I’d desensitise myself from the thrill of it and all will be hunky dory again. Right? Right?

While I have the strongest yearning to spend my time with people I love, I am filled with the fear of losing them, so I stay aloof. This may seem like a redundant and stupid thing to do for self preservation but all I do is hold them less tightly than I should so that they’re free to do what they want without having to think twice about hurting me. Saves everyone the trouble. Does it really, though? I hold them so dearly in my heart. I do! I’m not scared of a commitment, I’m scared of an ending and thus, never end up committing. I want permanence but end up fleeing at the first chance I get. I probably need to be tied up and be asked to shut up and not think so much but I asked like this, I think and therefore, that is exactly why I am.

The most permanent thing I’ve ever done is to put up my relationship status online which majorly backfired, haha. So that’s that. Oh, and I made pancakes for someone, a friend. That’s permanent because nothing is more permanent than food.

Enough now.
Love, love. x

A very mediocre blogpost.

I’ve not been blogging for quite a few days. I mean, I have been writing things on and off, either in my diary (a handmade paper beauty, with a fountain pen, no less; to arouse the inner writer in me) and even stories for the blog, but I haven’t really poured my heart out the way I used to, earlier. One of the things that I really want to write about is, wait-for-it, Water Bottles. Haha, yes, they have such a crash and burn lifestyle. No? They come, live their life, quench thirst and then one fine day, they are lost. Poof! Into the abyss of unending wate bottles, another one is gone for good. And then, it is time to go to the nearest shop and purchase one more. “Dada, ekta Bisleri dao” (Brother, give me a bottle of Bisleri)

Anyway, that being said, I have not been my brightest self in the last few weeks, maybe a month. My college keeps me busy, final year of graduation is supposed to be this way, apparently. It is a lot of work, juggling eight subjects, my highly active (not) social life and my personal interests (as you can see, blogging has taken a blow). I try, nonetheless. I have scored a dongle from a friend of mine (god bless her)  and I have unlimited internet access for the last two days. No, my college does not provide us with a hostel, let alone high speed WiFi. People too, have been mean and I have had to face some rude surprises. They had warned us in school regarding the Big Bad world, and they were spot on about stuffing our mouldable brains with these prejudices.

I have been staying alone in my room for the last few days and I have to say, it is an interesting experience. Having no one else around, however, might get creepy in the winter. You can literally hear yourself breathe! My roomie’s bed has turned into a make-shift shelf where I have been dumping everything. (need to clean the stuff of before leaving, or else…).

Among other very obvious observations, this post is not turning out to be as fun and jumpy as I had expected it to be. Sigh. I have lost the touch. 

I recently wrote two papers for Lucideus Tech. It is the company I work for as a content writer. I got my first appointment letter and all the shizz last month, even pay! Also, I have a paper presentation this Saturday in the State IDA conference. Wish me luck? : )

I should start studying now. Thanks for reading the highly mediocre post. God bless!

Image

A highly random image for a highly random post!

 

The X-YZ of things.

I am bitter and not feeling very bright at the moment, so pardon the hatred. This is almost exclusively for a particular set of people in the world and that is, surprise surprise, the ex. It could be an ex boyfriend or a girlfriend or heck, even a friend. It is human tendency to do two of the things that I will write about here, post an ‘end’ to the said relationship.
First, you would want to claw back to the person (assuming that you re the one who was dumped, obviously)
Second, you would bad mouth that person or, listen to others talk bull about them.

Let’s go serially:
The clawing back phenomenon is very common. Obviously, they were an important part of your life and without them it feels empty and you want to fill their void only with their presence. Everything that you would have taken for granted suddenly becomes about them. I read a comic strip on Facebook a while back which went something like this-
Person A-“Yes! I am finally over her. I can live now”
Friend- “Great! Hey, want some water?”
A- “OMG SHE LOVED WATER :'(”

Yes I know It would look better with the comic strip, but I can not seem to find it. Blah.

Anyway, the point is, the feeling is normal. You would do everything in you power to get them to like you again. It is not your fault. It happened to me too when I was dumped, long long ago. I was heart-broken and sad and whatnot. At one point in time, I assumed that person to be someone without whom I would not be able to live, but look at me now; living and all. Ha!
But there are some of you who take this to a whole new level. Don’t play the sympathy card with their friend(s). Yes, the sad part is ‘you still love them’ despite the fact that they ‘mutilated’ your heart and stomped on it, repeatedly. Don’t do that. It isn’t healthy, not for your ego or for the friendship. Just because they took the call of ending the relationship does not mean they aren’t hurting. It does not mean they have a stone cold heart.

The usual protocol after a break up is to not talk for a couple of months, preferably years. Maintain it. Only because a person was your everynight-phone-companion, does not mean they will remain so for life. While dating, people say a lot of things
– I will always love you
– I will watch our grandchildren grow old with you
– Let’s go to switzerland
– Buy a dog
-Laser tag is a sad sport
Making lists is fun (…but I digress)

But don’t hold it against them when the break up does happen. I mean seriously, are you new to the dating world? People say things. It doesn’t mean they did not mean it while they said it! So don’t play the sympathy card. Don’t try to rope in all of their friends on to your side. Remember, a break up always has two people involved. The one to call it quits may have started the process earlier but they need their friends too.

break_up_by_LNePrZ

The second:
And if you DO end up playing the fool by pretending to be the one who is the victim, like they announced war on your tiny heart, grow up. The first rule to move on is accepting the fact that you need to. Pretending to be ‘fine’ and acting ‘cool’ is not helping anyone.
Also, learn to differentiate between those who really want your good and those who just want to laugh at you behind your back while you grieve. Let me tell you my story. Long back, when I broke up with this guy, I was in regular contact with one of his friends. After the break up, the guy had only sad, sad things to tell me about the said boy. He filled me in with snippets of false news that made me pity my ex. The friend told me all about his grades in school (they were low) and  spats with teachers (thee were many), popularity (hated by all class mates) and simultaneously, the friend kept praising himself (high grades, and I assumed he was a teacher’s pet and student of the year). At that age, the three criteria that were mentioned to me were important aspects of a student’s life, the fact that a boy once dated was flunking grades disturbed me. Two months later I came to know how the friend was really trying to make me fall for him. Every word that he uttered about the ex was a tweaked version of the truth, a lie actually.

^the moral there is don’t believe everything people have to say. Also, don’t go on spreading rumours and make the poor -ex an anomaly to the social structure. Respect the privacy. Understand the dynamics of the people. By telling everyone that you love them despite the horrendous way they treated you and describing how you JUST know they never loved you, makes them the bad person . What have they actually done? Broken up with you and not spoken? THAT is the crime you are holding them responsible for and therefore that makes them heartless? Then yes, maybe they’re guilty in YOUR court of law. I have done it myself too, when I was new to this world. But now, I have matured. And I hope you do too.

Fake this shit!

It has been a while since I last posted here. Have been busy. No, make that- very busy. third year of college started this October and I have finally entered The Clinics. I was super kicked about reaching this particular year, given that I am halfway through undergrad college and that means I am 50% through the ordeal called Barddhaman. and I was pleasantly surprised! I reached Burdwan on 1st and headed to college and waited for 30 minutes to greet my professor (what with all the ‘first impressions’ thing going on so strong these days) and I was informed about the Intra-college Sports tournament that was being organised.
My dad was in the Indian Army and I’ve had a fairly okay exposure to sports. By that, I mean i can move better than most girls and I mean that in the most innocent way possible. So, I signed up for Badminton (given that the other sports were Football and Carrom, neither of which I was sure of playing, I can shoot alright in Football but that’s about it). And I cleared the quarters and then reached the semis. Knocked out and I lost to the final winner so no pride lost.

Anyway, as Clinics duty proceeded in the day, the sports tournament moved forward after college. And I shouted A LOT while cheering for my batch. The usual ‘jeetega bhai jeetega’ and ‘ come ooooonnn!’, blah, and I cheered for the opponents as well O:)
I even wore track pants to college. Oh, and my work in the clinic was basically in the Prosthodontic Dept. and I made removable partial dentures for two patients. One has already been (successfully) delivered and the other is due on Wednesday. There is this fake sense of know-it-all while you are around patients…i say fake, because obviously I don not know it all, I am merely in third year. But you get to actually BE doctor after all the years of playing with plastic stethoscope and toy ambulances and this halo of importance and reverence surrounds you and you just, feel, important.

All the bitterness that was there last year, given the political influence on my baby college, I felt happy that we were all bonding and more importantly talking! Talking too is fake- it gives everyone a fake importance. ‘Oh, we talk’ ‘Oh, he spoke to me’. Just because we talk, it doesn’t mean we’re close. It just allows all of us to carry on with our lives without others feeling left out. People feel they’re close to you because you talk. WOAH! Huge epiphany! We’re all wonderful actors. No really, take a second and sit back. Think about all the times you have pretended to be something/someone you are not IN A DAY. And it is perfectly normal to pretend. We’re taught to perform in a particular manner from the day we learn to understand emotions and that is exactly what all of us do. We all act. we all pretend. We all put up with a farce.

So, how are we making the ones we love know what we really feel. To come to think of it, we need to be real sometimes! Shouldn’t we be able to be ‘who we are’ before the ones we care about at least? As for me, I don’t pretend before the ones I like/love. Strangely, I become even more blatant and point-blank and then I end up hurting them. Shaa.

ANNNNYWAY. There was also a DJ night in college following the Sports tournament which left all of us super-fit doctors with neck cramps and shoulder pain. I couldn’t move out of bed without an Ooooh-aaaah for four days in a row and I enjoyed every bit of that night and those ten days. It is good to be back with college ‘for real’ and even with all the aforementioned pretentious behaviour, I am happy. It is great to have stories to tell and jokes to share twenty years down the line. I hope this stays the way it is, or it may become better. 🙂

-stay loved. stay as true as possible!

Show love. See love.

This song has been on my phone for less than a few weeks and it already ranks right there at the top with I will follow you into the dark and Fix you. It is somehow very compatible with what I have been through in the last few days. And it is so true.

Don’t cry for your love. Cry tears of joy. ‘Cause you’re alive, cradled in love.

Everytime I feel negativity and I feel sad thoughts enter into my soul, I imagine all the love that I get..I feel all the love that I wish I would get. And then I ‘know’ that I am loved. And I feel happy. All the melancholy and the blues turn into bright oranges and yellows! It is such a beautiful feeling to know how it is to be loved, isn’t it? Love. We type cast it into merely a boy-girl relationship whereas infact, it is so much more than just that. Love is such a vast feeling, that it is not possible for us, mortals, to understand it completely. And here we are, proclaiming ourselves to be maestros in this field when in reality, we know squat!

What is love? Is it what I see my mother feel for me or is it what I feel for my best friend? Don’t I love animals, or perhaps my grandmom?
They always end up saying ‘No, I dont love you like that.’ Well, tough luck, there is just ONE kind of love and that is true love. Love can be nothing but pure. So when you say that you ‘love’ someone, anyone, mean it. Don’t be frivoulous with it. Don’t use it all the time and dont be stringent with its usage either. Be wise. Even a child feels love, but the child expresses it in ways which are far wiser than ours. Innit?

Gifting roses and writing ballads isn’t how one shows love. Sure, they are one of the hundred trillion ways to express love to someone but they aren’t IT, if you know what I mean. Love needs to be expressed in small, subtle ways. And, those subtlties need to be understood and appreciated.

As important as it is to express love and caring, it is equally important to understand when it is being shown (or not) to you. Everyone will not go down on their knees and every child will not make you birthday cards just because you are their teacher. We need to understand the love that is being given to us. Also, we need to remember that just because someone is showing love he/she needn’t truly love us. Of course now, that isn’t always the case.

And I emphasise again, this isn’t the teenage or boyfriend-girlfriend love I am referring to. This is love, in general, for your parents, siblings, friends, pets, gadgets (?), sugar spice and everything nice!

I have learnt to see love when it is given to me. I was ignorant, initially and i still am naive but i am getting there. I used to expect it to be shown in the forms that we are all used to but not everyone is a jigsaw that will fit into your pre-formed mould. Every once in a while, a special person walks into your life who’ll show you his (or her) love in ways that you haven’t ever seen before and you’ll just have to be intelligent and understand them. you will have chip your jigsaw and make place for that person and let him or her in. And you gotta stop making that person fall into the cliched norms..accept their ways.

He may not call you in the middle of the night to proclaim his love for you. She may not knit you sweaters. He may not fight for you. She may not cuddle.
But.. he will silently feel bad when you’re upset and she will scold you because you smoke. And he will make sure you’re comfortable while you sleep and she will wait for you to get back home before she eats. Saying an I love you isn’t what showing love is.
Showing love is far simpler. And, actions speak louder than words. It is in the everyday actions. Every time he winks, every time a kindergartener makes you a card, everytime a dog licks your face, everytime she holds your hand before tripping shows that they trust you, that they care, that they love you.

Stop imagining your life to be a movie. It is not. It is better. There may not be background music and there may not be drama but it is life. And life is beautiful, nonetheless and it is bursting over the seams with love!

You just got to see it. And since romance is the lobe we best understand, I used that example to explain how love is grossly misunderstood. Love is you and me and everything in between 🙂

image

-stay loved.

101.

I have not been active AT ALL on my blog for the last, i don’t know how many days. I’m sorry. I had work in college + exams + I was being lazy. I kept thinking to myself ‘no one reads it as it is so no one will miss it either’. So that is how I, lets say motivated myself to give it up. No, not because I was busy but because I thought this was not worth it. It was like one of those things I started but never really finished- not a virtue, I must confess.
I have a lot of things on my mind, something that happens to me quite often. I have tonnes of ideas lined up in my head but when it comes to the writing, the real deal; it all fizzes out somehow. So i have decided that I will name the posts as 101, 102, so on and so forth and write down each thought. Might get boring but oh well, I try my best.
So, this post will cover two things. 1 is gossip and the other is business.

1) One cute guy started dating one dumb girl. And when I say dumb, I mean dumb, not in a blonde combs-her-hair-after-car-wreck way but in a doesnt-know-2-plus-2 way. And he, is cute! So nice and intelligent too. And i fail to fathom how she roped him in! No, seriously, there must have been some magic dust involved. There must have been wizardry and maybe, just maybe, seduction. How is it that blondes get smart asses of men and vice versa? Is there some unwritten rule in Mother Nature where the main objective of co-creation is for the not-so-blessed to copulate with the ‘given’? Why?
Okay let us take the example of my super awesome (sarcastic) college. There are like 40 students in 1st year, 25 in my batch, i.e 2nd year and about 45 in the 3rd year. among this small number, we have like a trillion couples. the college, after class hours becomes a miniature version of Victoria Memorial at dusk, if you know what I mean. it is almost as if their sole objective to attend college is to find someone to marry! And I am not exaggerating they refer to each other as hubby and wife from the first frigging day of their ‘relationship’.
Yes okay, you feel like kissing, making out, hell, even having sex so do that- find a girl (or a guy) and then do it in a room. Why mate like, mate for marriage? And trust me when I say that most of them have settled for each other because they feel being in a relationship is the ultimate form of inner peace, and all this from a guy (yes he actually said that to me, in Bengali of course) who doesn’t even know how to drive a car. YES, I AM THE ONLY ONE IN MY COLLEGE WHO KNOWS HOW TO DRIVE.

So help me understand why people end up dating funny partners when there is so much more to do. Okay yes the couples look hilarious to me from outside while there might just be real love within but I am not blind. Anyway, I hope they give me good food to eat when they do get married. All my questions will be shushed by the oily maach they serve, woohoo 😐

2) I might just end up being a content writer for a company so YAY! More on this, later…once things get finalised and started. Also, I made decision. Most of the times I don’t blog is because i have to put up pictures, which take up time and effort and I is lazy bum. So, I will only out up pictures if I feel it is easy to find. Meanwhile, when I was away from blogging, I got daily hits out here. I just checked my Stats and they are pretty okay, given the frequency with which I write (or don’t). I got a few more followers and ‘likes’ on Facebook too. that’s cheered me up.

– Stay tangled.

OH, and Happy Birthday to Sneha! I love you, more than you know!

There is no relation whatsoever of this picture with the text. Dont go searching!

This one does. I need to stop our kids from turning out to be half dim-wit people!

Few Words:

The four words which make a girl feel elated, absolutely thrilled, which make her genuinely happy are not Will You Marry Me?
They are You Have Grown Thin!

The most satisfying experience isn’t sex. It is a) licking on melting chocolate b) to go shopping and find clothes that make you look sexy or whaaaa.

Horoscopes : the one thing no one will agree to believe in yet have a stash of the ‘star sign’ bookmarks. I know you do too.

Everyone gets scared when a baby starts crying and the mother isn’t around. A baby is cute as long as it’s not yours when it poops and cries.

There is no better feeling in this world than the feeling after a good shit faecal excretion! Trust me, it can take you from Ah to AaahaaAAaa.

People fart.

Farts stink. And the bed vibrates while you feel someone else ‘pass air’

‘I Love You’ is less likely to make a girl say it back to you. Do something to make her say it to you first. Smart boy, she wants to say it to you, just give her one frikkin’ chance!

There is a God.

There is Evil too.

You still need to survive.

(this post is getting serious)

Follow a sport. Any sport. Do it with all your heart and you will know exactly why I asked you to.

Love isn’t life. Music is.

Set your priorities straight. Trust the right people.

Read something inspiring as often as you can.

Burp!

And… Stay tangled. (:

Bolted doors of the sleepless nights.

I just finished watching Iti Mrinalini. And there isn’t one happy even in that movie. Don’t misunderstand me, it is a beautiful ‘chhobi but I cannot understand how there can be so much sadness, sorrow, melancholy in one person’s life.

I mean, how much can one person take? Is there any sorrow that we cannot overcome? Is there any loss we cannot forget? Is there any void that cannot be replaced? Does ‘loss’ mean anything, really?
Nothing that we lose is irreplaceable. You’re here, right now. Tomorrow is a new day; you may not exist. How many people will miss you? Yes, there will be tears, yes there will be a few days where people are stunned, shocked, PTSD-ing. But what after that?

Life.Goes.On.

To paraphrase from the Film ( and I am taking huge creative liberties here , while paraphrasing)
We merely believe that we control our fate. That we are superhumans who can write destiny, who control the future, who manipulate the truth. We don’t. All that we do is play as a pawn in the larger scheme of things. Everything is planned. Everything is pre decided. We’re an illusion of our own creation.We are not who we want to be; we are who we had to be.

I have not really been through any such terrible event in life which would force me to re-think my life. I hope that’s a good thing. I have had a the usual heart break warfare and the family melodrama, but isn’t all that what constitutes life and, well, growing up? I like those parts as much as I like the parts with ice cream and candies in them. If there is no bad, then how would I know what’s good eh! I missed studying in a college in Calcutta by one rank. ONE. It’s a hard loss, but there is nothing so miserable about it. And that’s the closest example I can get out of mu life, right now..till now.

So what IS miserable? In relative terms, nothing is. Every sorrow, every tear, every frown is only justified in extremely personal and completely individualistic terms. My sorrow is mine, not yours so don’t pretend to empathise. You cannot. The world is full of problems- no drinking water, global warming, Mamta Banerjee [ 😛 ] so I don’t hold my problems in prime importance. Someone told me that the sorrow in the world never reduces the pain, instead it increases the magnitude. I disagree. Pain is pain to only the one/ ones who’re feeling it. And by ‘feeling’ I mean truly going through it all. Trust me, none of us want to go through the no-drinking-water sorta pain. We;re all oh! so delicate. We’re not meant to feel that kinda loss or lack. We’re delicate. Our sorrow isn’t what someone else will be able to fathom just like we wont understand anyone else’s. So do me a favour- the next time someone says ‘I am sad’, just sit next to that person and wait for him/ her to calm down. You do NOT know what is going on so stfu!

We all ‘move on’. We all ‘get over it’. Everyone is born with that inbuilt mechanism to cope with loss. Every orphan grows. Every mother can survive. Every family re-builds their roots…it’s just with reluctance, that everyone carries on. And that reluctance to carry on, to live, to forgive or forget is what ultimately makes us human.

To live, is human.
To love, is human.
Everyone lives, perfectly.
Everyone can love, in their own flawed way.

Life is an absolute. It is singular.

You will be wronged, this world is a bitch.. but never forget the love that you get.

-stay tangled.
xoxo

 

Beginning of Blog Blabber

Helllloooooo! Been a long time since I blogged last. Blame the sucky WordPress app..it refused to open up on my phone and I was too far away (read: 2hours) away from my laptop+internet.

Anyway, a LOT has been up.
In the most recent news, I broke a bowl today. It was so pretty, with yellow flowers and blue leaves. But whatever. It is no more *sob*
Also, my good friend is being very kind and is giving me a back massage now. Gotta love college roomies!

Randomly, have you ever felt so hungry that you could eat a horse and had nothing to eat, but Hajmola candies at home? Well, I did. And trust me, it tastes orgasmic. Yum-meyyy! No, I know it’s spelt as yummy.

The crush I had? Well, I still do. And he’s growing cuter by the day, er, night. He has no idea when to crack his silly Dead baby and Dead puppy jokes. Oh, and coma patient sex jokes too. He’s Chandler *and I’m Monica*
LOL.

And all the hoohaa about this most recent bandh drove me nits. I had college. I was against the bandh. No, I dont support the Red. Neither do I care about the Green. As long as West Bengal can progress somehow, I’m fine. And by progress I don’t mean at a snail’s pace.
Oh wait sorry. PaschimBongo. -.-

I spoke to my BFF after a long time today. I miss her. I wish she was in this city. I hate Delhi. Grrr.

I miss my mom too. Shout out to her!
-anyway, stay tangled. Much love.

Life is beautiful, nonetheless