After having not written for a while I’ve come to the conclusion that we let work foreshadow most of our life. We focus so much on everything that is centred around work that we forget to nurture the finer things in life like relationships and dreams, like words (for me), like dreams and what they used to mean to us (motivation rather than regrets), like love and laughter.
I’ve recently realised that not many people would willingly interact with me. I don’t make any lasting effect on people’s lives. Rather, my absence wouldn’t create any major dent in anyone’s day-to-day being. If I don’t interact with anyone, things would be just the same way. Why put my energy to futile use when I am realising it makes no difference to anyone? Go to work, do the work, talk when needed and head back home. How does any extra communication do any good to any of us? It doesn’t. So why should I invest myself into it?
I don’t feel like I have the energy left to love anymore. Affection eludes me. Nothing seems to affect me anymore. I cry, yes, but I think that’s because this has become a go-to response for me. I laugh too, because that’s how I can avoid questions from people who only care and I assume, superfluously. Conversation needs to be cut down upon but what I seem to be confused about is what to classify as necessary and which would be unnecessary conversation.
Life is pretty much replaceable. Friends are transient. Love is fickle. So, what am I so hung up on, when none of it actually matters in the real sense. Yes, I need people around me, people I can admire, adore and be with, people I call ‘mine’ but do I matter? Except for my relatives, I don’t think I am irreplaceable to anyone. I doubt everyone’s love to me and that is because I feel I am at fault. My mind is at fault. I feel left out, singled, misunderstood and misguided. Is it just my mind playing tricks? I need help. I need to be told that what I feel is wrong. I need to be out of this place and I don’t want to be here. I want to be done with people who think they know me and judge me when they really don’t. I want to be done with this.
A lot of people asked me to focus on those who I feel like me. For instance, my ftiends- I make a difference to them. It’s a selfish way to look at things but the way I see things, life goes on no matter what so why should I make myself so vulnerable. I should keep interactions to a minimal and hence, avoid anything that has the potential to hurt me.
No talking equals no miscommunication. Isn’t that a jolly good solution?