A break up.

Dear A,
I probably wouldn’t tell you how I feel. I wouldn’t let you in on a lot of my secrets. I won’t let you know when you’ve hurt me, and I wouldn’t allow you to feel sad. I won’t talk to you about what my dreams are. I wouldn’t share my nightmares with you either. I wouldn’t travel with you. I wouldn’t think of a future with you. I wouldn’t write about you. I wouldn’t read to you or buy you gifts. Most of all, I wouldn’t let you know how much I would love to do everything I’ve just mentioned. I’d box it up and seal it, push it to the farthest corner of the darkest part of my mind and then cover it with maroon sheets and place an orchid in a flower vase on top of the sheets, just to distract you. And outside, there will be a dragon for extra security. I can’t share what goes on, no, because if I share it means I actually feel them and that means I am vulnerable again. No, I think I like the box in the far away corner. It seems to be cosy up there, so I’ll let it be. As the dust settles on the sheets, and the maroon turns to a dull red, I’ll learn to never let anyone in. They will remain secrets until I run into that part of you which acually doesn’t need my permission to enter the dungeon because that person will know that the dragon doesn’t know how to breathe fire and that the secrets I have kept need to be unearthed. No, you don’t know me. You know that part of me which I’ve let you in on, for all these years. You think you know me and I’ll let it be like that. Each time we’ve spoken, I’ve let you assume and I’ve never corrected you because you seem happy to believe in what you believe. Happiness is my gift to you, even though ignorance isn’t something you’re fond of. I know you. I know you because you’re not guarded like I am. You’re free. You have the freedom I desire and I live it through you, and I just didn’t have the heart to let you in on my secrets. The secret which screams out loud about how I’m not who you think I am. I am proud of myself; I pretend very well, to have fooled you for this long, fools live happily and happiness is my gift to you. No, to think of it, I don’t have to pretend. I just keep quiet. Every time I see assumptions flood in, I drift into my cool, dark corner and allow you and everyone else to be happy. What good does an argument do, anyway? You’ll call me passive and indifferent but I just want you to feel like you know me, because you look so joyous when you feel triumphant..triumphant of having known me and been with me for twenty five long years. Foolish, at the same time, to have assumed that in those years I remained the same person, like a stagnant pool of water trapped in a crack underground; nowhere to escape and no reason to, either. I had reasons and I did use them, probably only too subtle for you to have noticed. I grew in depth and with it grew the darkness that shrouded my box of desires, and you, like a fool, felt you knew me. You were happy, like any fool would be, so I let it be because happiness has always been my gift to you. I have loved you, and you love me, or so you think. Is it me or the idea of me that you’re in love with? It isn’t your fault, I clouded the proof you needed to accept who I had become but what if you didn’t like me anymore? You probably wouldn’t, because I know you. You’re free and it’s your freedom that inspires me to end it with you. I can’t pretend or be quiet anymore. I’ve grown too deep to come out of it, and I can’t hold my breath any longer.
I wish you knew, but I wouldn’t let you in on my secrets anyway. I love you, because I know you and I know that you’ve tried your best. If you ever come across a tamed dragon, know that it’s I who has sent it for you, because I’ll miss you enough to risk it.

Love,
Z.

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15 thoughts on “A break up.

  1. You evoked, so many emotions in me. I couldn’t imagine, being with someone for years and not be allowed in. I can’t imagine, the type of person that takes pride in that. Your secrets are for loves to hold in the left side of their chest. You don’t trust anyone….huh???? Love is a gift of all or nothing, you toyed with it. But through it all, I Loved the expression of you betrayal.

    • And try and look at it from the author’s point of view. Don’t you think the author was trapped as well? It’s all a game of where you’re looking at things from. The victim is always created.

      • Silence, is the strongest defense. When you are defending yourself from an allie, you will always be wrong. Grey, doesn’t cover cause and effect. How can someone be effective with understanding? It would be depressing to see someone, paint themselves the victim with all the cards.

      • No, when the author is the victim, the lover isn’t, and vice versa.

        I’ll leave you to it, with the interpretation. To each his own, you know? For me, they’re both in a cage of sorts, one knows and the other doesn’t.

      • Once, “to keep it own” enters the discussion. The discussion is over….I thought we were having a meanful, contrast of views. I was wrong, thanks for the read

      • But I saw no contrast. What you feel is a part of what I feel as a whole. I can’t contrast what I’ve written, like a mother who can’t differentiate between her children. I’ll have to agree with what you say, either way, don’t you see?

        The love story would go on because one is happy and the other wants it to be that way.

      • But you can always tell one child they are wrong, and one they are right. If your child (which was wrong) said that’s just from a parental stand point, it will be a justification of that wrong. The man in the story thought he was free, he thought he found the woman of his, but she knew he wasn’t. She imprisoned him and herself….she left stealing years of his life. Anyone that takes choice away (in a relationship) is always committing the greatest crime.

      • It’s brilliant how you’ve assumed the role of a man and a woman in that piece. Also, not in one place is it mentioned that the piece is about a love affair. It’s about any relationship. You’re going on and on about the same thing, a crime. There is no crime! That’s just how one of the people is. That person wants to be looked into and I don’t see any harm in that.

      • Awwww….defending your baby. Once you send your baby out the door, they may not act as you would like them to act. But thanks for calling me “Brilliant”, I don’t disagree. In any relationship, communication is key.

      • Who gave you the right to Awww me? This is an adult conversation with barely in place for onomatopoeia.

        There was communication. In case you didn’t notice the most important aspect, the story is disguised in the form of a relationship between the alphabets. Twenty five years being the number of alphabets in between. There was enough communication.
        And yes, now, to each his own because im seeing what you are trying to say but you’re far too obstinate to let go of your blinders.. Have a good day.

      • I didn’t catch that either…..that’s went over my head about the alphabet. You must have the right to call me “Brilliant”, meaning the opposite. But who’s the victims now….each do have their own with you, because you know what you wrote. I am just a reader….now tears are running down my cheeks

      • And you are right….You never said it was a man or a woman. I did make an assumption. I connected you being a woman, and the percentages of a man writing a note like that. Z, can be anybody. So I did make up my own assumption on that level. But it don’t change my view of who’s to blame for the destruction of that relationship. I won’t share….means lack of communication. Which means gap in the relationship.

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