This is going to be a regular whiny girl post where I claim to be alone and happy, yet incomplete.
I’ve been dating since the end of ninth grade (yes, parents, chill). On and off. Someone has always been there even if I didn’t want someone 😛
And after a point it got to a point of no return. Men became expendable and ever-available and soon came a wave of superiority complex.
That done with, and having attained a sense adulthood, and I say sense because I haven’t yet started practicing it (adulthood), I decided to take a break off of everything I knew and everyone I knew. I shed people like second skin and felt lighter. I felt free and I could finally be awkward and clumsy and have morals that were stupid and not get judged by a constant pressure of living up to a standard I had so meticulously created.
I wasn’t a myth anymore. I could say that Hitler was a genius who went drastically wrong and not feel as if the world would crash down on me. I had let go off people who wouldn’t be constantly on their toes to pull me down towards them. I decided to forgive those I fought with and truly bless their hearts. I decided to let it all in while I let it all out. It started with college but slowly extended to the periphery where the most important people were.
The important ones, I figured would always stick. That didn’t happen haha. Some left. No, let me rephrase: one left.
Long story short, a boy and a girl can never be friends without one getting hurt. And given my prior self satisfying tryst with lonliness, I was okay with the decision. Everybody needs space to breathe so I’ve given him his. 6 years of friendship, deserves that.
Which finally brings me to what I have to say now. I want to share my breathing space. I’ve had the group I’ve always had, since high school and nothing would ever change that. I’ve gained a very special friend in a fellow blogger who meets me in malls and my gardeny complex and writes me letters on crisp white sheets neatly tucked into mustard envelopes. I’ve got as many friends as I need and I’m lucky I can count on both hands cause I need that skill. (Those who know me, will vouch for the fact that math isn’t my forte and hence, the counting on both hands is a skill. Kthanks)
Now, after more than a year and half of self building and repeating a single sentence: I need to focus on my career, studies and self… I am finally ready to get back to being ‘with someone’. Not as a friend but romantically, for a change. I haven’t been in a relationship where the person is physically in the same city ever- since school, and that sucks. I haven’t had pop corn while watching a movie at home, tucked under the duvet with someone quietly cursing me for my choice of movies. I haven’t fought while being convinced (erronously) of how right I am. I haven’t said “we” in a long time. I haven’t written with my heart out on my sleeve. I haven’t got a gift which made my mother question the blood supply in my cheeks. What I gained is irreplaceable, I gained myself back. I had given so much over time to people that I was drained. I’ve helped a lot of people over time..small ways and big. And now, I’m ready to give again… In a few months (my year of self improvement ends this September). I’m ready to be taken in, I think. Am I?
I want someone to help me. And we’ll help each other. Then again, is asking a sign of weakness?
Some questions cannot be answered in a year. : )