Death by choice.

There are phases every time
Where you trample over me
Over my mind and my body
There are ways you tread gently
Softly over the shards of
The remnants of my wishes.

There are elaborate plans
That you make, to design a ruse
To caress my hair, stroke my arms
And then rip my eyes out with
Those very fingers that I kissed.
And lips I kissed so lovingly
Turn vicious and venomous

There are nights that I await
Your return from the graveyard
Only to have you tear my heart out
And make me bleed all for your
Sinister pleasure.
You make me cry and howl
In a silent room in a Nowhere palace
Surrounded by a clouded sky
Guarding the melancholic moon
Around a field of open nothingness.

I lay out my future at your disposal
The colosseum of my colours
Turn to gray when you walk in
And yet, and yet, I still prefer you
To my ever changing destiny,
To my rainbow
To my all
Because, I know not any other life
Because, love is such a thing.


My tip-toed return.

This is going to be a regular whiny girl post where I claim to be alone and happy, yet incomplete.
I’ve been dating since the end of ninth grade (yes, parents, chill). On and off. Someone has always been there even if I didn’t want someone 😛
And after a point it got to a point of no return. Men became expendable and ever-available and soon came a wave of superiority complex.
That done with, and having attained a sense  adulthood, and I say sense because I haven’t yet started practicing it (adulthood), I decided to take a break off of everything I knew and everyone I knew. I shed people like second skin and felt lighter. I felt free and I could finally be awkward and clumsy and have morals that were stupid and not get judged by a constant pressure of living up to a standard I had so meticulously created.
I wasn’t a myth anymore. I could say that Hitler was a genius who went drastically wrong and not feel as if the world would crash down on me. I had let go off people who wouldn’t be constantly on their toes to pull me down towards them. I decided to forgive those I fought with and truly bless their hearts. I decided to let it all in while I let it all out. It started with college but slowly extended to the periphery where the most important people were.
The important ones, I figured would always stick. That didn’t happen haha. Some left. No, let me rephrase: one left.
Long story short, a boy and a girl can never be friends without one getting hurt. And given my prior self satisfying tryst with lonliness, I was okay with the decision. Everybody needs space to breathe so I’ve given him his. 6 years of friendship, deserves that.

Which finally brings me to what I have to say now. I want to share my breathing space. I’ve had the group I’ve always had, since high school and nothing would ever change that. I’ve gained a very special friend in a fellow blogger who meets me in malls and my gardeny complex and writes me letters on crisp white sheets neatly tucked into mustard envelopes. I’ve got as many friends as I need and I’m lucky I can count on both hands cause I need that skill. (Those who know me, will vouch for the fact that math isn’t my forte and hence, the counting on both hands is a skill. Kthanks)

Now, after more than a year and half of self building and repeating a single sentence: I need to focus on my career, studies and self… I am finally ready to get back to being ‘with someone’. Not as a friend but romantically, for a change. I haven’t been in a relationship where the person is physically in the same city ever- since school, and that sucks. I haven’t had pop corn while watching a movie at home, tucked under the duvet with someone quietly cursing me for my choice of movies. I haven’t fought while being convinced (erronously) of how right I am. I haven’t said “we” in a long time. I haven’t written with my heart out on my sleeve. I haven’t got a gift which made my mother question the blood supply in my cheeks. What I gained is irreplaceable, I gained myself back. I had given so much over time to people that I was drained. I’ve helped a lot of people over time..small ways and big. And now, I’m ready to give again… In a few months (my year of self improvement ends this September). I’m ready to be taken in, I think. Am I?

I want someone to help me. And we’ll help each other. Then again, is asking a sign of weakness?
Some questions cannot be answered in a year. : )

What if humans have got it all wrong?

What if, there was no rule about studying? If we look at it objectively, schooling followed by graduation and in most cases post graduation, and in some cases a PhD and then in fewer cases some other degree..

All of it is a ruse to keep us busy. It is all a way to pass time till we are old enough to get into the next ruse of our lives: aka earning money. And then, die. (Life family and all other Facebook memories occur in between)

I’ll delve in one at a time. Imagine a childhood where there is no education, only knowledge. We are taught, yet there is no rule. We are learning, yet there is no compulsion. “You don’t go to school? Why?” Such a dialogue would never be uttered because no one believes in the authority of a school bound education, which is littered with exams and ruled by marks. What is the use of education if one cannot apply it? We all went to school, but schooling didn’t teach us how to apply for a loan at the bank, only the format in which we’re supposed to write the letter

The Bank Manager.
Left indent. Date. Subject to be underlined. Body in three paragraphs. … Signature with full name. “How can you STILL not know the format, you’re in class 12!”

That’s just one example. Science students barely know a thing about commerce. Arts? That’s a joke.
The commerce kids know about how a fridge works, but then again who needs to know how? Arts, you mad?
The humanities children don’t understand the rigidity of mathematics. Science and commerce, get a life? Pardon my stereotyping.

We choose our subject by the end of school life with a pre chosen career in mind, most of the times. However in case of the Indian education system, the board chooses the stream they think we deserve, at times. So what if someone scored poor marks and wants to know how the freaking microwave works? The internet, right?

Education, literacy, knowledge. They are three different things and the quicker we understand that, the faster will we be able to focus on what’s really wrong and what’s actually required.

But now, imagine a world sans this mindless banter. We get rid of this ruse and travel the world with our equally cool parents and learn of birds which chirp only in the amazon and dream under an open sky. We could all be so peaceful.

Then, you would say that travelling needs money. No education equals no job equals no money.

RUSE! All a big bad net to keep you busy throughout life, distracting you from what you actually want to do. Read books. Write. Travel. Party. Booze. Stone. Listen to music. Create music. Dance. Just sit and do nothing. Sleep. Cook. Study something you want. Build a robot. Save lives.

Study a subject because you want to DO something with it, not with the intention of earning money to buy something you actually wanted to do.

Imagine a world that deals in barter. It is regressive but what if I could give you what I’m good at and you provide me with what you are food at and we all live at happy life without money or the constant fight over it. Inflation. Rupee versus dollar versus euro versus yen!
“Hello Iran, dude we need a billion litres of oil. Please?”
“Hi India, sure man just send in your vessel full of Saffron”
“I will be watching you two nation” says USA.
“Buzz off”

Wouldn’t it be cool? Utopian and impossible but imagination can make dreams seem weak.

So, if the need for money is abolished, we don’t have to work 9 hours a day or more.  The poor won’t be poor because poverty won’t be an issue…because the word would disappear. The rich won’t have the best cars and the homeless would have homes. Finally, the world would rest solely on what skills god intended to give to you.

How well can you sell yourself?

And now comes my most absurd imagination. Imagine a world without clothes. Nothing, not even leaves.
Animals don’t wear clothes.
We were supposed to roam around with our skin starkly visible. Maybe that’s why we have body hair (that’s one mystery I never could solve, since we do perfectly well without them). Women and men, with children and dogs, all on the streets, naked and eating ice cream and flying kites in a happy world where no one touches another human being a exactly without prior consent. Ah!
There is no rape in the animal world that I know of. If a child, since birth, sees the opposite see in his or her bare and nude form, the instinct to molest another co-species-mate-person would probably, hopefully disappear. ?
That would indeed be the best kind of world to live in.

Such are the ruminations of a mind during the exams. Forgive me, if I have crossed the boundaries of your imagination. : )