It’s probably nothing. It is nothing. But why does the small achievements of other people, other anything-that-moves make me feel so inhibited and affected that I get all warm and jealous. Yes, jealous. Is it an only child thing? I cannot handle the success of the people close to me without me having achieved it already. I need to be there before you get there.
I cannot face being second. Being first and being good, no, being the best, has begun to stress me out. I can see the end. I know this isn’t good but I can’t face success..the success of others. It motivates me to get there as fast as I can and as soon as I can. It turns me into a bitch who plots and plans ways to reach a pedestal that others will have to work as hard as I did to reach there.
I know I seem like a big boohoo cry baby who is intimated far too easily and you wouldn’t be wrong. I do feel intimidated. But I need to be first. Or if not first, I need to be the best.
Urgh. Don’t get me wrong I love those people. I want them to be happy and achieve all the glory they can get but I want God to bless me first. Boohoo! I have like this pathological urge to excel in stuff that doesn’t even need me to excel in it. Like, like, being the tallest girl or err, remembering dialogues from sitcoms which others know so well and I don’t. Everything seems to be a race and I can’t stand losing. And by losing I mean, not be first. Yeah yeah I get your psychological blabber about ‘I will grow up’ and I know I will.
Hmm. I want to order pizza. I think I need a dog. Shaa, I think it is a sibling thing. At least I am the first born muhahahahahaha.