This is just one of those days where you feel like crying out loud. And the weather is not helping at all. I was supposed to meet someone for the first time today and I cancelled, because of this very feeling. I feel upset. And I actually cried, for no good reason. And I need to understand WHY because I still haven’t figured it out.
My life, somehow, is not how I had imagined it to be. All my friends are at elite institutions. A few are leaving for college this year and this year onwards I am actually going to be alone. Naina won’t be there in my colony to cheer me up with SRK movies and the two closest friends I had have vanished into thin air. I miss school. I miss the days where meeting friends was taken for granted. I hate to have to put in an effort to maintain contacts with the ones I love. Isn’t that the whole point, that friendship is effortless?
I miss Sneha. She and I had grown so close and suddenly she and I lost touch, as if our friendship was a phase. I miss venting out to her and I miss listening to her croon about her boyfriend. I miss logging on to skype ONLY for her at 2: 30am. Why did you have to lose your phone? I feel like a lost little birdie, without any fellow little birdies to learn to fly with. I feel like that deserted cracked egg, over which everyone has lost hope.
In the end, ever body leaves. No one really stays for good. And this, I have learnt and I know that you will too. I miss Nidhi but she shows no in making an effort. This blog is what I want it to be, whether it is a defense mechanism or a dignified way to communicate is up to me, no? An e-mail does not qualify as a means of communication, no. I will not honour that with a response or reply or anything close to either of the two synonyms.
I will miss Naina. She leaves in a few days time and she has been the only person to understand me in these last months. My school friends met up on Sunday. I could not. Why? Because my mother does not believe in such impromptu meeting and I, knowing that, did not even ask her. This is what always happens. I need to ask for permission and most of the times, mamma doesn’t agree (or gives me ‘the look’) and she shoots down that offer because of my studies.
Yes, I am in a stream of education which requires studying regularly. Sadly, I am neither happy with the stream nor my college. No, neither. I have an inferiority complex in front of my friends who are already in, or will be going to colleges like Manipal or Xavier’s or Stephen’s. You get the drift. I miss having the college life I wanted. With all the political drama, I still would have managed to like my college if it actually qualified as one. I fail to give respect to the most important institution after my school. What stories will I have, to say to my kids- that of a college life with boys who wear Pink bags to college, or that of a guy who is a headache for me? Or should I tell them the story of how my room-mate and I were separated because she is of a different caste?
I feel upset, more because I know exactly where I want to be in life and that dream is looking so distant right now that I find it difficult to breathe. It is as if I am running forwards and the road is sliding backwards. My growth is stagnating, I am drowning. No, I am not someone who will give up but this is just one of those days where I feel sorry for myself. Why? What mistake had I done to have missed my dream college by ONE rank in the entrances? Sadly, I know what mistakes. ONE correct question, ONE right answer and I would have had a different life. Or not.
I miss having someone by my side. I miss having the friends that I used to. Suddenly, everyone I knew or trusted has moved away from me; knowingly or unknowingly. Since everyone has gone, the fault must lie within me. I suck at keeping in touch. All those promises we made to each other- of growing up and growing old together have been blown with the wind.
Phuhaar stays busy with office, Sugandha, with her studies. Garrima has new friends and the guys are busy with their internship. Riddhi is in Mumbai, why would she think of Calcutta?! Sneha was supposed to be in India, I do not know if she is. All the friendships that I had forged are fading away and I can’t do anything about it but wait. Something is changing within me. Am I hiding from them, because I know for a fact that they are not ignoring me? They aren’t and I just might be the reason behind my own tears.
I know that my dad will read this and then relate to it. One request; don’t talk about this with me or anyone.
I am scared. My finals are coming up. I am prepared, more or less but I feel scared. A new year will begin soon. I feel the pressure sometimes. After topping in the first year, everyone has started expecting so much more from me. I have started expecting more from myself. Nothing lesser that distinctions will do from now on. Why am I unnecessarily pressurizing myself? I need a break, but I cannot get one.
The weather is so gloomy. A few SRK movies later, I am feeling better. And this one friend of mine virtually got scared of me committing suicide so is coming to check on me. HAHA. Like that would ever happen! No, death isn’t an option. Ever.
I feel lighter after writing this.
I have taken names and written so please don’t mind. Anonymity wasn’t on my mind today. I miss you. I don’t say the words enough, or maybe I say them too often for you to believe them but I miss you guys. I may not meet you as often as I can but don’t judge me.
I hope to not-miss-you. Soon. Very soon.