there are times in your life where you wish. just wish.
and right now, i am sad. yes, sad and upset and i need to vent. i look forward to moments where i can look at someone, point my fingers and say ‘ha! gotcha fuckface’ but now that i have that time, that moment, i just wanna close my eyes and wish it never really happened. i am supposed to feel elated, overjoyed, surpassed with smiles and tears together. but i dont. i just feel vacant and hollow. it’s like someone put their hands inside me and ripped my soul off my body. and is dangling that very lifeless soul in front of me.
now that i know how measured life can get, and to know that i was right about those, er, measurements, i should feel blessed that i have the most precise knowledge about how much to anticipate. but no! i feel cursed. cursed because i know i wished upon this. no wonder they say ‘be careful what you wish for, you might just get it’
(my bff just called and i ignored her call. something is wrong with me)
anyway, i feel morose. tears are brimming up to that final edge but this is the first time i have been able to blink them back. i have finally conquered the art of gulping sorrow and pretending to be happy. well, not really. i still suck at pretending. nevertheless, i mastered something. i should feel proud, right? I DO NOT. i want to hug myself and doggy and sleep. i want a boy who understands me. and i want to feed laxatives to my ex.
i feel vengeful and mortified to be feeling this way. my head is splitting, as if i have a hundred hangovers simultaneously. i don’t like to feel this way. and i feel guilty. and helpless. (i normally feel helpless when a lot of work is due- like studies or lab work and the deadline is around, but i guess life isn’t simple once you turn 19 cuz yes, i have academics pending but wth i am in college!). then WHY am i feeling all this.
trust me. i’d give an arm and a leg to keep my mum from flying to pune tonight. i would give my enitre body to erase the last few days and just write them myself. but these reasons are not why i am feeling this way. these reasons aren’t reason enough.
…or are they?