Bolted doors of the sleepless nights.

I just finished watching Iti Mrinalini. And there isn’t one happy even in that movie. Don’t misunderstand me, it is a beautiful ‘chhobi but I cannot understand how there can be so much sadness, sorrow, melancholy in one person’s life.

I mean, how much can one person take? Is there any sorrow that we cannot overcome? Is there any loss we cannot forget? Is there any void that cannot be replaced? Does ‘loss’ mean anything, really?
Nothing that we lose is irreplaceable. You’re here, right now. Tomorrow is a new day; you may not exist. How many people will miss you? Yes, there will be tears, yes there will be a few days where people are stunned, shocked, PTSD-ing. But what after that?

Life.Goes.On.

To paraphrase from the Film ( and I am taking huge creative liberties here , while paraphrasing)
We merely believe that we control our fate. That we are superhumans who can write destiny, who control the future, who manipulate the truth. We don’t. All that we do is play as a pawn in the larger scheme of things. Everything is planned. Everything is pre decided. We’re an illusion of our own creation.We are not who we want to be; we are who we had to be.

I have not really been through any such terrible event in life which would force me to re-think my life. I hope that’s a good thing. I have had a the usual heart break warfare and the family melodrama, but isn’t all that what constitutes life and, well, growing up? I like those parts as much as I like the parts with ice cream and candies in them. If there is no bad, then how would I know what’s good eh! I missed studying in a college in Calcutta by one rank. ONE. It’s a hard loss, but there is nothing so miserable about it. And that’s the closest example I can get out of mu life, right now..till now.

So what IS miserable? In relative terms, nothing is. Every sorrow, every tear, every frown is only justified in extremely personal and completely individualistic terms. My sorrow is mine, not yours so don’t pretend to empathise. You cannot. The world is full of problems- no drinking water, global warming, Mamta Banerjee [ 😛 ] so I don’t hold my problems in prime importance. Someone told me that the sorrow in the world never reduces the pain, instead it increases the magnitude. I disagree. Pain is pain to only the one/ ones who’re feeling it. And by ‘feeling’ I mean truly going through it all. Trust me, none of us want to go through the no-drinking-water sorta pain. We;re all oh! so delicate. We’re not meant to feel that kinda loss or lack. We’re delicate. Our sorrow isn’t what someone else will be able to fathom just like we wont understand anyone else’s. So do me a favour- the next time someone says ‘I am sad’, just sit next to that person and wait for him/ her to calm down. You do NOT know what is going on so stfu!

We all ‘move on’. We all ‘get over it’. Everyone is born with that inbuilt mechanism to cope with loss. Every orphan grows. Every mother can survive. Every family re-builds their roots…it’s just with reluctance, that everyone carries on. And that reluctance to carry on, to live, to forgive or forget is what ultimately makes us human.

To live, is human.
To love, is human.
Everyone lives, perfectly.
Everyone can love, in their own flawed way.

Life is an absolute. It is singular.

You will be wronged, this world is a bitch.. but never forget the love that you get.

-stay tangled.
xoxo

 

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The Uprising.

There was not a sound around him. Silently, un-steadily he walked ahead.
He was alone. He was loved, don’t get me wrong, but alone.

How much are you willing to trade for something so special that it’s not possible to own? Something which is elusive, not material. Something that is touch-and-you-lost-it. Something that you’ve wanted for a long long time. Something that you later realise, wasn’t worth it at all, that it was too glorious for you to have asked for it. Something so magical that it shouldn’t even exist?

Have you ever asked something simple and received the most extraordinary blessing and then realised what a curse it was?

He wanted to be a man.
Instead, he was made a legend

Have you felt that?

There have been times where I have closed my eyes and furiously prayed to God, to anyone for better health, for better grades, for better people… more often than not, I have been granted my demands, my whims. More often than not, I regretted asking for them. Now, I have the best of friends, the best 0f grades and a health to envy (touch wood) and I have an excess of expectations. Everyone expects me to perform, to raise the bar.

I have raised the bar.. the ‘up’ rising? I’ve raised it so high that I am struggling to get there. What if I don’t top this year? What if I fail at another relationship? What if i die? What if I shame my parents? I’ve raised it so high that now, it is difficult to fathom it’s reach. I’m trying to do as much as I can. I was made into something elusive when all I wanted was to just be a good daughter, a good friend, a good partner, a good student. No, I did not want stardom! No, I did not want to stand out. because now, people take my uprising for granted, to put it crudely.

I wanted to be a man, metaphorically. I was made into who I am. I love the way I am..
but,
Just let me close my eyes, and sleep, in peace. don’t expect. What if I fail to deliver? What if i screw up? What if I hurt you, again?
…what if?

The Continuation of Blog Blabber

Y’know how sometimes you just know? That’s exactly what happened to me, now. Epiphany struck. (oh, check out a blog called The Epiphany of Spontaneity)
I was digressing. Coming back; there are times or moments in your life where intuition strikes SO hard that you know something will happen, that you start apprehending the course of action of people, events, animals…dust, anything!
In my case, though, it is exactly the oppostie. I could predict what will not happen. Somehow, I knew that I will not travel the world with my bff.
This is wrong, to discuss all of this online, but who reads this anyway, eh? 😛

So she’s a sweetheart, my bff. She is studying in one of the elite Delhi (and Indian) colleges. She’s smart, talented, pretty, funny, bla bla you get the drift. But then she has her own life and I have developed my own. Yeah, college does that. Don’t get me wron, I still love her as much but we, as people, are changing (read: evolving). Both of us are become more of what we were. I, more intelligent and she, more blonde. Haha. Okay, jokes apart, we’re both realising that we need to accept the changes. And one of which is, that I don’t see myself travelling the world with her. Well, yeah that’s all I could foresee but how many of you can even do that?

Also, I lost my hard disk. I hate the digital world. Digital photographs, digital books, hell one day there will be downloadable food. I did not lose much, thanks to my backing up the back up too but it is the reponsibility that counts. ‘I’ lost it. To be fair, I squarely remember where I had kept it and when I went there to search for it, it had vanished. I think one of my two roomies must’ve taken it home, either by mistake or maybe not.. I know I’m abitch to doubt them but one tends to do that when no other option is left viable.
a) who would steal a hard disk, and by who I mean the maids, house help, etc
b) only they knew about the hard disk
c) even my pharma copy ‘vanished’ mysteriously like that.
I’m upset. 😦

Until the next time,
-stay secure.

Advice 101

Not like you need my advice, but never hurts to take something for free, eh?

1. Never, ever have a bowl full of kheer before you are travelling. Otherwise, there will be consequences.

2. Follow #1.

Well that’s about it. I suffered tremendously because of this friend I have who absolutely loves Kheer and travelled with me for around 40 minutes in my car continuously torturing me with incredibly smelly and suspiciously silent farts. Farts, yes I said it. ‘Passing gas’ for those who’re a bit more elitist 😛

Until later,
– stay less foul smelling.

Attreversiamo.

A lot has been happening and I have been away from my laptop for quite some time, er, days. Nevertheless, it is never too late. The only reason why I switched on that laptop of mine was to see a movie. Yes, I download from torrentz.eu but SO DO YOU, so don’t judge me! Make hay while the sun shines (read: download all you can before SOPA/ PIPA take over!)

Yes, so a movie. Which one? The Artist. If you haven’t heard of it yet then shameonyou. It’s a magnificient movie. To think of a silent film in this day and age is sheer audacity and to pull it off with such an ironic tale (of a talkie vs a silent film IN a silent film), is sheer brilliance. Both the leads have done a marvellous job at playing the characters of George, an old school hero who is full of himself and his talent, and that of Peppy Miller, a rising starlet with a mega crush on George and also, oodles of talent and that wretched beauty spot. The story isn’t ground breaking, it’s predictable if I may say so but it is HOW they narrate it and the medium that’s been chosen for the narration that sets this movie apart. Watch it for the sake of good cinema.
The Oscar went to a good movie. Just like last year (:

Attreversiamo means ‘Let us cross over’ in Italian. If you have read Eat Pray Love, you will know exactly why I’ve used this word as the title. It’s a transition period for me. I am ‘crossing over’ from someone who is a child to someone who was a child. I don’t know if it is good, bad or simply makes no difference. I am feeling emotions that I did not know I possessed. I have learnt to move on, and by moving on; I mean going on with life WITHOUT any bitterness in my heart for those who broke it. Yes, it still hurts me when people move away from me for no fault of my own. Yes, my soul ricochets into splithereens when somone close to me thinks it is time to leave me and move away from me just because ‘he thinks so’. Yes, I still cry but those tears are cold, measured. I know that I deserve better. Unless and until I have hurt someone, I don’t have the right to be played with. So there, I’m growing up.

I used to bear torrential hatred (can that be used?) towards someone. That someone, lies injured, physically in front of me right now. Instead of feeling victorious, I felt sorrow. I am a human being finally. Yes, I still hate him. Yes, I still pray that he realise what wrong he has done to me. But, I also pray for his health and I thank God for not ending his life. So there, I am growing up.

I used to be a people person. Don’t worry I still am but while talking to a *very* close friend last night, I realised that I don’t care how many people are around me. For all I care I might be in a crowd as big as those in an India Pakistan cricket match, but I will still feel lonely if I don’t find my kind of people there. I realised that I’d rather be alone than be with people who merely pretend to like me. That, I’d rather be lonely than compromise with my company. So there, am I growing up?

Everyone tells me that I have unreasonable demands off a guy. What is unreasonable to YOU is only just the bare minimum for me. Yes, I think that highly of myself and why shouldn’t I? My parents haven’t brought me up to be a timid girl. I’m allowed to love myself. For only if I love myself will I be capable of loving someone else. Don’t judge me.
Oh well, fine. Judge me..i don’t care. And even if I do care, I’ll cross over.

Attreversiamo

The more the messier.

Or as the popular saying goes, more the merrier. I certainly don’t think so. My god, have you seen the chaos that always follows a hoard of people gushing in to help you? It is like a sea of blood hungry maniacs just waiting to pound you down by the sheer burden of their body weight!
Too much description, I know 😛

I have, therefore, reached the conclusion that being alone is better. Alone is good. Alone is happy. You have only yourself to deal with, to blame, to celebrate. Being alone makes you realise things which are far more important than the latest Oscar fashion fad, no offence to those who followed that. Being alone makes you realise how much potential you actually have. Imagine a world sans help. Yes, it would be a difficult life but wouldn’t it be more fulfilling? What you work for is ultimately what you earn. You, literally, are your own boss.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that one shouldn’t have friends. All I am harping on, is that it is always good to know what one is capable of. Know how much you can stretch yourself. Be Elasti-girl and test your limits. Keep one foot on one peak and streeeeetch till the next one, or as far as you can. No,not really,dumbo but yes,metaphorically.
Then, you can always go back to mingling and being ordinary.

If you don’t try, you will never get there. You have the whole world inside of you. Don’t let company ruin it. Don’t let the ordinariness of people just make you ‘exist’. Live!

Do your work ON YOUR OWN. Let someone guide you through it, but don’t let that person ‘do’ it. You only lose if you let that happen.

You, are your own hero. you.are.god.

-stay tangled (:

Feel; un-feel.

there are times in your life where you wish. just wish.

and right now, i am sad. yes, sad and upset and i need to vent. i look forward to moments where i can look at someone, point my fingers and say ‘ha! gotcha fuckface’ but now that i have that time, that moment, i just wanna close my eyes and wish it never really happened. i am supposed to feel elated, overjoyed, surpassed with smiles and tears together. but i dont. i just feel vacant and hollow. it’s like someone put their hands inside me and ripped my soul off my body. and is dangling that very lifeless soul in front of me.

now that i know how measured life can get, and to know that i was right about those, er, measurements, i should feel blessed that i have the most precise knowledge about how much to anticipate. but no! i feel cursed. cursed because i know i wished upon this. no wonder they say ‘be careful what you wish for, you might just get it’
(my bff just called and i ignored her call. something is wrong with me)
anyway, i feel morose. tears are brimming up to that final edge but this is the first time i have been able to blink them back. i have finally conquered the art of gulping sorrow and pretending to be happy. well, not really. i still suck at pretending. nevertheless, i mastered something. i should feel proud, right? I DO NOT. i want to hug myself and doggy and sleep. i want a boy who understands me. and i want to feed laxatives to my ex.

i feel vengeful and mortified to be feeling this way. my head is splitting, as if i have a hundred hangovers simultaneously. i don’t like to feel this way. and i feel guilty. and helpless. (i normally feel helpless when a lot of work is due- like studies or lab work and the deadline is around, but i guess life isn’t simple once you turn 19 cuz yes, i have academics pending but wth i am in college!). then WHY am i feeling all this.

trust me. i’d give an arm and a leg to keep my mum from flying to pune tonight. i would give my enitre body to erase the last few days and just write them myself. but these reasons are not why i am feeling this way. these reasons aren’t reason enough.
…or are they?

Timberlake

Timberlake. Read: What goes around comes back around.
The song? That.

Life has a weird way of coming a full circle. Things will fan out in a way where the good get rewarded and where the ugly get punished. Things.will.be.alright.

Be it now or even 6 years 4 days later, that guy who dumped you will get dumped. Be it now or weeks later, the one who wronged you will be given it back, and given it back good and *phat* in his face. Life maybe cruel, but it is just. The world turns and revolves in mysterious ways. The stars align in magnificent ways. Things happen and always happen for the better.

Trust me when I say that because I’ve seen how just destiny is. I’ve seen it for a fact today. I can’t divulge what or how cause it’s not about me but trust me it’s true. Y’know how The Secret goes on about ‘think good things and they’ll happen when you’re ready’? Well you’re only *ready* to get those happy things when the universe is ready to give them to you. And the universe takes its own sweet time BUT it will give you what you deserve. Not what you want, but what you deserve.

Close your eyes and think of something bad that had happened to you. Think of that person and forgive him/her. The world will take care of it after that. But when something does happen to that person in the end, should you feel guilty? I mean, isn’t he getting punished because of the things he did to you? So technically, he is hurt because of you. He is suffering because of the wrong he did to YOU. So his condition has got something to do with you. And similarly, if you are say, punished for the bitchy things you have done, should the doee feel bad when the doer is hammered down by ”life”?

Small gray areas down there, eh?
Now close your eyes and think of something magical and pretty like stars and sparkles. close your eyes and sleep with the happy thought 🙂

Synaptic plasticity

Let me give you the background to this post first. I’m on an SBSTC bus, non-ac if you really care. I have gulal on my face. I am as sleepy as one can get and i’m standing and travelling because the great people of this country decided to shut down bus services temporarily. I’m sneezing like a mad woman and all those who’re sitting are looking up at me. But none of them are getting up.

Well not that i expect anyone too, but still- the world moves on hope, eh?
Arsenal kept me up last night. I must say, it was a brilliant match, its a pity that they lost on aggregate. And I lost my sleep. And I had early morning classes so I couldnt atch up on the sleep. Not even on the bus -.-
*sneeze*

  #nowplaying Pungi. Heard it?

Anyway, about the title of the post. Do you know what a synapse is? Well you should cuz you have passed class 7 science, haven’t you?
In my Pharmacology class today, the professor went on and on about antidepressants. And like one of my previous posts, I actually felt like gobbling down a billion of them and then finally hope to feel satiated enough to not sulk. In one of those rare moments where I wasnt blindly writing what he was saying I heard this term- synaptic plasticity.

It struck me today that the first thing I remember about my childhood is when I was in class II. Blame childhood amnesia but I just fail to recall stuff before that. Do you remember infantile details of your life? I feel that it’s the longest drunken haze I’ve ever been in. I mean honestly, I dont have any option but to completely believe what i’m told about ‘mera bachpan’

Hmph.

Memories.
Details.
Intricacies.
Photographs; an escape into memories long forgotten.

Synaptic plasticity.

It means memories.
It means Memory. What is your first ever?

Annnnd here it comes!

T-H-I-R-T-Y minutes to being 19 and I’m online.

I feel pathetic but elated. Is that even possible? :S

I feel loved and overjoyed too.
I feel ME. I feel happy.
I feel Happy Birthday! Haha. *i’m sucha kiddo*

Woohoo!

Yes. I am STILL a child and I like cutting cakes. And my mom surprised me with this one so SHUSH! 😀